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Prince Harry: Royal Guts and Glory

John Sammon John Sammon
September 10th, 2012 11:15am EDT

Prince Harry-SPX-040288.jpgOpinion: I saw where Royal Prince Harry has returned to Afghanistan and will serve as a helicopter gunner. This surprised me, as I thought they would put him up in a Howard Johnson’s Hotel in Kabul and give him a computer to play games on.

How heroic of Harry.

But you’ve maybe heard the old saying, “Royals never die---they just pose and grandstand away.”

Prince Harry, who once wore a Nazi uniform at a wild party, and who recently stripped naked at another party in Las Vegas, and dove into a pool with a drink in his hand, has with his government’s concurrence, decided to WOW us with his patriotism. He will now, in the best tradition of his forbearers, who once cowed ignorant savage natives from India to Africa and China---pardon the pun---lord it over the Afghans.

Harry is evidently being punished for the nude pictures by being forced to become a patriotic hero. Isn’t that precious? He stands and poses for pictures looking brave. But he won’t be placed in any real danger. That would be too dangerous to Harry.

He will take his place as the representative from heaven of a faded imperialistic empire, and an always  loyal ally of the most powerful and rich superpower in the history of the world, the U.S.---fighting a war against a small, ignorant, backward country, peopled by savages who don’t even have shoes on their feet. This is just like the days of the Raj in India in 1880, when a handful of Englishmen ruled over millions of lesser beings, who were also ----ignorant savages.

“Rule Britannia!”

Harry’s job now is to try and prove that he’s just one of the guys—though he knows and we know he’s not. Allusion for royals is everything, the allusion of wealth, power and grandeur.    

Watch Harry and crew zoom in their multi-million laser-equipped computerized driven helicopter over the miserable mud-brick hovels of the impoverished natives below. Remember, three out of every 100 ignorant savages on the ground below are evil members of the Taliban. The rest are just innocent unfortunates unlucky enough to be born in Afghanistan.

This war has dragged on for the longest period of war in American history, and the British have the Hundred Years War that was longer. But Harry’s being there is to mythologize the royal family as not just a bunch of worthless loafers who strut around and live in castles at state expense.

They’re just like you and I. Sort of. Like us, they also have two hands and two feet. There the similarity ends.

Doesn’t Harry look grand in his immaculate, highly pressed and starched uniform? He needs a medal to go with it. His superiors, oops, he has no superiors. He’s royal. His (rather) inferior officers over him will turn in the paperwork and drum up some imagined symbolic heroic action so Harry can get a medal—in a war that most Americans have immorally ignored and tuned out because nobody including the president or prime minister of England has explained to so-called average people----unlike Harry---what it is we’re trying to accomplish in Afghanistan.

Are we trying to annihilate the Taliban? Make a political settlement wit them? Fight a war forever hoping for the best? Hope they’ll give up and go away? Nobody knows.

But Harry is there making the world a safer place for us.

Let’s assume for a second that Harry is well-intended and is in some form (albeit minor) danger, even though Hillary Clinton routinely visits Afghanistan too and she’s just an Arkansas attorney.

What I really resent about Harry, is that a month from now, or two months, he’ll turn up at a party again in Las Vegas, or maybe Nassau, Bahamas, wearing a see-through, tear-away sex-bunny suit, strip it off and dive drunk in a pool.

You’ll see it in the headlines.

He can come and go from war as he pleases. That’s called “Royal Prerogative.” He doesn’t have to pull a full tour of duty like the other wretches, you know, regular guys, who sit on a fire base on a sand hill in some godforsaken spot in a war that’s gone on so long because so-called average people don’t demand accountability from their government.

This has a long history. King George toured the battlefields of Flanders during the First World War, and then left to return to his palace, paid for by the state, leaving the rest of the poor dumb sonofbitches to be slaughtered in the trenches.

If anything really dangerous were to happen to Harry ---they’ll jump on top of him to shield him quicker than you can say---“bloody well good!” They’ll hustle him out and away from the mud hovels of Afghanistan where he’s symbolically lording it over the natives.

Harry’s in more danger from parties and aggressive gold-digging women in Vegas than he is in the unwinnable war in Afghanistan.

Photo Credits: Solarpix / PR Photos


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