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Greg Bauch Greg Bauch
Starpulse Contributing Writer
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Greg Bauch is a Stand-Up comic in Buffalo, N.Y., which is like being a brewer in Milwaukee, I think. I'm not sure. I've never been to Milwaukee. Wait, this is supposed to be in the 3rd person... @gregorybauch.

'America's Next Top Model'- Booching And Breaking Ankles

8/24/2013 6:44pm EDT
I’m going to recap ‘America’s Next Top Model’. It shouldn’t take you long to figure out that I have no idea what I’m talking about. This show doesn’t make a ton of sense. I do know that the idea is to be fierce and not booch, unless the occasion calls for booching. If so, you must booch. A good model knows when to booch. Look, let’s just take the booching on a booch-by-booch basis.

The 13 remaining contestants on the show arrive at their mansion from a grueling day of making fierce faces. I’ve never noticed this about the mansion before but, there is a mannequin’s head with deer antlers on...

'America's Next Top Model'- Sexy Kitties

8/17/2013 10:30am EDT
Do you like pictures of guys acting like sexually controlled, leather-clad kitty cats? I like to start my ‘America’s Next Top Model’ recaps with a rhetorical question.

Episode 3 of America’s Next Top Model was kind of boring. I know what you’re thinking. How can you take a bunch of models, put them together with a Supermodel, have them whip each other, and still call it boring? That is what I just did. It was boring.

14 contestants remain in this epic battle between male and female models. Fame and riches await the winner. In the meantime, there will be a lot of pictures taken and made-up...

'America's Next Top Model' Recap- Walking Down Buildings

8/10/2013 11:15am EDT
'America’s Next Top Model' didn’t waste any time incorporating buildings into Cycle 20. This week, there’s a really tall building and the 16 remaining contestants will walk down that building. This episode combines fear with posing. Somewhere out there, a guy with big glasses and a hat that looks like a hammock has invented the word ‘fearosing’. It’s week 2 of 'ANTM' and I’ve already run out of things to type.

The contestants face their challenge. A lot of them cry. There’s crying in modeling, apparently. Don says, “God be with me.” I hope some kid’s dog didn’t die after getting hit by a c...

'America's Next Top Model'- Season Premiere

8/3/2013 2:22pm EDT
‘America’s Next Top Model’ enters into its 20th cycle. Other shows have seasons. ‘America’s Next Top Model’ has cycles. That’s what sets it apart… I think. This is my first time watching the show.
I have never watched ‘America’s Next Top Model’. I’ve been recruited by Starpulse (I begged) to watch and recap ‘America’s Next Top Model’. My High School Guidance Counselor’s assessment is now 100% accurate.

There is a new wrinkle to the CW’s #1 show. There are now male model contestants, which is lucky for me. Sixteen men and women battle it out for a $100,000 ‘Guess’ ad campaign and a modelin...