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'America's Next Top Model' Recap: The Girl Who Gets Kissed On An Elephant

Greg Bauch Greg Bauch
October 21st, 2013 8:18am EDT

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Seven big ballin’ Bali models remain in our hunt to find a winner in cycle 20 of ‘America’s Next Top Model’. With the end in sight, the models are all starting to turn on each other. There’s drama. It’s dramatic.

We start fast with the models sitting on the floor talking about pictures of themselves. Tyra Banks totally walks into their villa mansion type place and everyone goes nuts. Who wouldn’t? She’s Tyra Banks and you’ve only seen her every day for the past couple of months.

Marvin is in the yard of the villa crying so Tyra Banks goes out to comfort him. She asks, “What’s wrong?” I’d be all, “Nothing’s wrong. Tyra Banks is comforting me.” But, Marvin is different. He had a troubled past.

Marvin is crying because he doesn’t believe in himself. Tyra tells him to believe in himself and he does. So now, if you’re keeping score at home, Marvin believes in himself.

This whole thing turns into a forum of complaining. Gorgeous people sit in a circle in Bali and take turns talking about how hard their life is. Jeremy is sad because he has a great body but only an okay face. Renee is upset because she’s incredibly good looking in person. I’m not making any of this up.

Chris H. is sad because he isn’t friends with everyone. Chris H. puts on boxing gloves and punches people in the crotch. He had a troubled past. Renee doesn’t sympathize. She says, “If I had the world’s biggest piece of poop, I would shove it in his mouth.” That would be a bad idea, Renee. The world’s biggest piece of poop is probably worth a lot of money and shoving it in Chris H’s mouth would lower the value.

We’re hardly past Poo-gate and Jeremy and Chris H. are fighting by the pool about who stands in front of whom in certain situations. Aren’t you glad I’m recapping this? I could be reading to kids at the hospital or something.

The group somehow rises above their crippling hardships and gets ready for their photo shoot. A bus takes them out to some rice paddies. The theme of the clothing is green. There’s an 11-year old deaf designer named Rafi.

Rafi had his own clothing line at the age of 9. When I was 9, I held a garage sale and sold some of my G.I. Joe’s, so I know what Rafi is going through.

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The models wear green clothes and get their picture taken. It’s gripping. Some of them pose fierce. Some of them schmize, or something. I’m still not sure if schmizing is good. I try to never do it in public, just in case.

Cory went for it and nailed it. High-five, Cory! Jourdan fell into water filled with cobra feces. There’s a lot of poo in this episode. My computer keeps underlining the word ‘poo’ in red, like ‘poo’ isn’t a real word. Is poo a word? Did anyone even read down this far?

Chris H. doesn’t do good modeling because of all the stuff going on and stuff. ‘America’s Next Top Model’ is hard, yo?

When the rice field photo shoot is done, the models head to a spiritually charged place with a Shaman healer and a place with monkeys. I felt the healing through my television. When the group is done healing and stuff, they head back to the hotel room. There are two MAJOR things wrong. There’s only one bed and there’s an elephant in the yard. Renee cries because of the elephant.

They make sleeping arrangements. Chris H. doesn’t like where he’s supposed to sleep and starts a fight. ‘America’s Next Top Model’ is like a UFC fight.

ANTM3The next day, the kids go down to ride the elephants. No one is concentrating on their modeling. It’s super fun, guys. Chris H. rides alone.

Marvin and Renee ride on their own elephant. Marvin begs Renee to make out on the elephant and they make out on the elephant. The group is calling them ‘Marnee’ which is a combination of Marvin and Renee. It’s super clever.

Elimination is next. Two models are going home. Because there was no challenge, scores are based on the photo shoot and social media scores tallied by people who have somehow watched a show that was taped months ago. It’s the 12th episode and I still haven’t figured this out.

The two models sent home are Nina Cat Ears and Jeremy. It’s an upset. I liked Nina. She was really nice. Jeremy needs to concentrate on his modeling more. We should all concentrate more on our modeling, guys.

Photo Credits: The CW


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