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'America's Next Top Model' - The Boy Who Has a Panic Attack

October 12th, 2013 4:30pm EDT | Greg Bauch By: Greg Bauch favorite Add to My News

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Tyra Banks’ rag tag crew of emotionally troubled models has arrived in Bali. I still haven’t figured out what part of

California Bali is in. I hope the fun and excitement of Bali doesn’t make it difficult for everyone to concentrate on their modeling.

Anyway, 8 models remain on this cycle of ‘America’s Next Top Model’. They brought back two models last week and eliminated one. We’re moving backwards. This cycle is never going to end. It’s a vicious cycle.

The kids all rush back into the mansion to pack for their trip. Although the group is traveling, they’re packing the drama to bring along. You can take the kids out of the drama mansion, but you can’t take the troubled pasts out of the kids.

Renee declares that she still hates Jourdan. Marvin wants to sleep with Renee. Nina Cat Ears is still mad at Chris H. but she also loves him. It’s dramatic.

Rob Evans and Johnny Wujek welcome the models to Bali. They immediately check into villas. ‘Villa’ is the Spanish word for mansion. Everyone jumps in the pool and complains about Chris H. and how he doesn’t deserve high scores. The models all talk at once so, thankfully, I can’t understand what anyone is saying.

It’s the next day and we’re on a boat. Keep up! Carol Lacrox from 69 Slam Swimwear arrives to help judge things. They instruct the models that the challenge occurs underwater. This underwater photo shoot challenge will prepare the models for a time when the polar ice caps melt and the Earth becomes submerged. I guess we’ll still need high cheek bone pictures after the apocalypse.

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Nina Cat Ears is nervous because she only has half of a lung. Seriously. She had half of a lung removed because of childhood mold intake. This show never ceases to amaze me. Everyone has an emotionally crippling problem. Marvin declares that he wants Nina to die so he can win.

The models will wear special scuba helmets so they can breathe underwater. Nina isn’t allowed to fully complete the challenge because of her half-lung. She has to do a snorkel runway walk which isn’t really a runway walk at all. Nina cries. There’s crying. I mean, who wouldn’t cry when forced to back out of a full-on scuba runway walk to only do a half-baked snorkel model walk. It’s not fair!

Chris H. does good underwater modeling. Marvin doesn’t do well. Corey gets points deducted because he doesn’t have a good bikini body. None of this makes sense.

Don has a fear of scuba things. He freaks out and can’t do the underwater modeling thing. Don bailed on the challenge because he didn’t want to die. Some people just don’t want to win.

Back on the boat, Don cries. Johnny Wujek tells Don, “We’re considering a medical thing. Like, Nina has her lung thing?” So, if you’re scoring at home, losing half of your lung to mold spore intake is “a lung thing”. Nina and Don do their snorkeling model walking.

In the end, Renee wins the challenge for superior underwater posing. She wins $3,000 in swimwear apparel. How could you spend $3,000 on swimwear? How many bikinis can you own? I’ve had one pair of trunks for the last 16 years. They cost 12 dollars. I’d want the rest of the prize in a mall gift card or something.

Back at the villa, Marvin and Renee cuddle. They like each other. I assume it’s because no one else would ever put up with either of them.

The next day, the models are brought to a Bali zoo to pose with animals. This will prepare the models for careers in zoo catalog posing.

ANTM3Corey and Jourdan pose with an orangutan. Nina Cat Ears poses with a python. (Not a cat? Hello, producers! She’s Nina Cat Ears! Get that girl a kitty!) The photographers yell at her because she isn’t controlling the 80 pound snake around her neck. She cries. I’ll bet having half of a lung doesn’t help when posing with snakes.

Chris H. doesn’t show sympathy for Nina Cat Ears and they used to be friends. Chris H. is concentrating on his modeling. He had a troubled past that causes him to put on boxing gloves and punch people in the crotch so, I’m not judging him. The judges will judge.

Renee is forced to pose with a tiny leopard. Predictably, she freaks out a bunch, even though the animal is not stuffed. Jeremy posed well with the leopard because he’s a virgin and the cat wasn’t sexually intimidated.

Marvin and Chris H. pose with giant parrots. The photographers yell at them for worrying about the birds moving. Modeling is hard, yo?

Back at the villa, there’s crying because that’s what you do at a villa. You cry about modeling. There’s not even time to concentrate on your modeling with all of the crying going on. The ANTM mansion villa would be a terrible place to try and get homework done.

The judgment panel is next. The models are critiqued for their photos. Social Media scores are used in the judgment, which means people watched the show months before it aired and had a hand in the outcome.

The judges argue a lot this week. There’s some fighting. It’s like the villa/mansion drama is contagious. When Tyra talks, it sounds like she’s trying to think of what words are as she’s saying them.

Marvin and Don are the last two left in judgment. Don is sent home, even though he had a medical thing. Marvin cries a lot. There’s snot. Don couldn’t snorkel model walk. There’s nothing to cry about.

Four guys and three girls remain. Next week, there will be even more crying and we’ll find out that one of the models can’t compete in a challenge because they had their insides removed and replaced with clock parts.

 

 

 

 

 

Photo Credits: The CW


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