Santa’s 2014 Naughty List – These Stars Should Expect A Big Lump Of Coal!

'America's Next Top Model' Recap- The Guy Who Cried

Greg Bauch Greg Bauch
September 15th, 2013 6:23am EDT

ANTM1

Cycle 20 of America’s Next Top Model was apparently getting too fierce and manly for everyone, so they rolled out an episode titled ‘The Guy Who Cried’. It’s about time someone on this show got in touch with their emotions. Everyone is so introverted and withdrawn. That’s not healthy if you’ve had a troubled past. I hope Chris H. is the guy who cries. That guy could use a good water works session. Chris H. puts on boxing gloves and punches people in the crotch. Maybe those are the guys who cry. Maybe there’s more groin-punching. Let's find out.

The episode begins with solemn reflection. Renee, who I have pegged as the clear-cut favorite to win at this point (which is probably a bad sign for her, considering I have no idea what I’m talking about) talks about how the models started off as such a big family that has been withered down to 9. That’s still a pretty big family.

Chris H. promises to respect people and not punch them in the groin with boxing gloves. ‘No Game’ Marvin cries because he misses Jeremy and Kanani. I guess that’ll be the guy who cries. Unless, there’s more crying? There’s already been so much crying. I might cry. ANTM producers roll out soft music and show footage of Jeremy and Kanani leaving. Corey is concerned about Marvin because he’s crying and not concentrating on his modeling. You guys don’t even know. Modeling is 24/7!

We switch scenes and Marvin is still crying. He says that he doesn’t have anyone to play with. Phil has ADD and needs to jump over someone’s head. He jumps over Marvin’s head. I feel good ‘cause that’s kind of like playing. Marvin found someone to play a ‘Jumping over someone’s head’ game.

The models jump in luxury bus which I have termed ‘LuxBux’ because I can. They roll up to their first challenge. Kelly Cutrone stands in front of Melrose Avenue and directs the underfed to strip down to their underwear in the middle of the street and answer trivia questions about fashion. Models get money to shop for every question they answer correctly. No one is concentrating on their modeling. Cars are driving by a group of half-naked models and none of them are beeping. Do they not have chauvinists in Los Angeles? I’m far from a pig but, I’m probably beeping my horn at half-naked models answering trivia.

The models take their prize money and are given 30 minutes to shop at the stores on Melrose Avenue for a ‘Killer Look’ photo shoot. They are still naked. It’s cray. Most of them have $100 or so. I’m assuming that doesn’t buy nice clothes but, I haven’t bought clothes since 1994.

Cory has trouble choosing between a shirt and pants. Chris H. assists Nina Cat Ears in her shopping venture to continue his transformation into a better person. Nina Cat Ears buys a “vesty thing”. It’s fierce. Phil only has $25. It’s a shame for him that Melrose Avenue doesn’t have a Goodwill.

Monica Rose judges the outfits. Marvin rolled up his pants, which is a ‘No’. I take notes. Chris H. cheats by unrolling his pants. It’s controversial. Phil gets in trouble for wearing ripped women’s clothes. Don wins the challenge. He gets to go out for ice cream. I’ve never been more confused.

Back at the mansion, Chris H. and Marvin argue about who is worse at getting girls. Chris H. is not keeping his promise. He launches verbal boxing glove punches. No one is concentrating on their modeling.

The photo shoot takes place at an Art Exhibit. Tyra Banks tells the crew that they’ll be photographed while paint is being thrown at them.

ANTM2

The models stand still and are challenged with remaining fierce while paint goes up their nose. Modeling is dangerous. These kids are definitely concentrating on their modeling. Chris H. does not concentrate because of his fight with Marvin. Marvin has the same problem. Chris. H. and Marvin don’t like each other. They’re like Michigan and Ohio State.

ANTM3

The photographers shout things like, “keep your eyes open” and “stay frozen” while they throw buckets of paint. Jiana hates being sticky so this challenge is exceptionally challenging. The hatred for stickiness must be a part of her troubled past. There’s so much to overcome.

Back at the mansion, there’s a shower shortage. It’s dramatic. Chris H. showers in the girls’ room. The girls yell at him. Aren’t you glad I’m recapping this?

Marvin starts crying again because he lacks confidence. He stands in the shower, fully clothed despite the tragic shower shortage of 2013. Phil and Don talk him off of the ledge and Marvin manages to stop crying long enough to get us to a commercial break.

Final judgment is next. Once again, Social Media scores are a part of the scoring, even though this show was taped months ago. I give up. I am happy to report that Social Media Consultant Bryanboy criticizes Marvin for having the same face in every picture. I’ve been saying that for weeks. I could totally be an ANTM Social Media Consultant.

Phil and Jiana, the star-crossed lovers, are the final two models up for elimination. It’s dramatic. Jiana is sent home. It’s very much like a Shakespeare play. Jiana cries and Phil cries and Tyra cries. It wasn’t just a guy who cried. Everyone cried.

Photo Credits: The CW


Sign up for our daily newsletter with great stories like this and more!