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'America's Next Top Model' Recap: 'The Guy Who Gets to Kiss the Girl'

September 1st, 2013 9:56am EDT | Greg Bauch By: Greg Bauch favorite Add to My News

America's Next Top Model

We charge into this episode of ‘America’s Next Top Model with passionate drama in the ANTM mansion. Jourdain is explaining how proud she is of winning a challenge because of her abusive past. Jourdain had an abusive past. Her ex-husband verbally abused her. She says that, “It kind of made my self-esteem not normal.” There’s some dramatic music. Then, the guys jump around, scream, and play foosball.

None of the models are allowed to talk to their family or loved ones. They complain about it. Alexandra explains that they only get 5-to-10 minutes each a day to call back home. I don’t talk to my family for 5 minutes a year, but I’m not a model with an abusive past.

Jourdain gets in the phone booth (phone booth!) and hogs 20 minutes. The house rises up and yells at her. They yell, kind of. It’s more like an annoying drone. Jourdain explains that she won a challenge so she gets more phone time. These are the rules of the jungle. Everyone hates Jourdain. This plot twist came out of nowhere.

Jourdain complains to the camera that there’s a target on her because she’s a fierce modeler. The rest of the models are going to complain about her. Jourdain says, “I’m literally going to be living in hell.” Either Jourdain doesn’t understand the meaning of the word ‘literally’ or hell is actually a place where models stand around and complain about their troubled past while playing foosball. I think it’s the latter.

Next, ANTM brings Hollywood Insider Perez Hilton on the show to teach the models how to interview people. They set up some red velvet ropes in front of a Mall for a fake ‘Schmize TV’ shoot. Perez and Social Media Correspondent BryanBoy are camped above with Spygear to feed the models directions in their ear. The models ask random people ‘Man on the Street’ style questions.

Phil rips a girl’s hair out of her skull and then has her spank his butt. Jeremy the virgin has a girl feel his abs. Rene is having trouble with the challenge because she’s still harboring ill will toward Jourdain for her phone booth thievery. This is hell.

Jiana and Phil flirt with each other throughout the episode. Cory doesn’t think that flirting is a good idea because they should be focusing on their modeling. Modeling is tough because you can’t just stand around. You have to focus on your modeling.

Jeremy wins the challenge because he takes off his pants when Perez Hilton tells him to take off his pants. Jeremy earns the right to take Jourdain on a date. Four seconds into the date, Jourdain talks about her troubled past. Count me in with the people who hate Jourdain. Jeremy and Jourdain like each other. They should be concentrating on their modeling.

Next up, the models cross-dress for a fragrance commercial. It’s LOL fun. There will also be kissing because this show is about modeling. Jeremy is going to kiss Jourdain and Phil is going to kiss Jiana. Marvin gets to kiss Rene and I’m pretty sure it’s the first time he’s ever kissed a woman. He licks her face. NO ONE IS CONCENTRATING ON THEIR MODELING. This show is off the rails. Chris H. was the most hilarious drag queen I’ve ever seen, and I’ve seen me some drag queens.

Jourdain and Jeremy are instructed to dress as Goths. Jourdain says, “I literally come from a town that is just white people, and maybe some Hispanics. I don’t even know what Goth is.” I hope the modeling thing works out for her because Jourdain is not smart.

We’re 40 minutes into the show and the only time I’ve seen Tyra Banks, she was dressed like a man. It’s a letdown.

They finally bring Tyra out to hand out the scores and show us the funny cross-dressing perfume commercials. BryanBoy references Social Media scores that have been tabulated by people who have the ability to watch a show before it airs.

Alexandra is sent home, despite being ridiculously attractive. 11 models remain on ‘America’s Next Top Model’. At this point, the show will reach its conclusion by September of 2017.

Photo Credits: The CW


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