'America’s Next Top Model' didn’t waste any time incorporating buildings into Cycle 20. This week, there’s a really tall building and the 16 remaining contestants will walk down that building. This episode combines fear with posing. Somewhere out there, a guy with big glasses and a hat that looks like a hammock has invented the word ‘fearosing’. It’s week 2 of 'ANTM' and I’ve already run out of things to type.
The contestants face their challenge. A lot of them cry. There’s crying in modeling, apparently. Don says, “God be with me.” I hope some kid’s dog didn’t die after getting hit by a car because God had to help some dude with sparkly eyes walk down a building.
Before ‘Building-Gate’, we get to learn a little more about our remaining 16 contestants. Chris S. is a southern rebel. Bianca’s name is actually Bianca and she isn’t afraid of heights. We discover that Mike, the Ice Cream truck worker is really a model and not a ‘Cinderella Story’ Ice Cream truck worker discovered by Tyra Banks and given a once-in-a-lifetime chance to escape the badlands of America. Mike likes Bianca and Bianca likes Mike. The CW is probably excited for their innocent sexual tension. Nina wears cat ears because she probably thinks she’s a cat.
The models take their place outside of the building they are about to descend. They’re all wearing Guess jeans, which is what you wear when you’re climbing down a building. The music used for this challenge makes it clear that someone is about to die… or model, or something. Cory says, “This requires so much core strength and leg strength but, you still have to be fierce.” Something tells me I’m going to be sick of the word ‘fierce’ by the end of the season.
It starts to rain, making the building walk more dangerous and fierce. I don’t know how the CW got it to rain. Hopefully, they share this technology with farmers.
Chris S. and Cat Ears go first. They’re strapped into harnesses and take a step. We hear thunder. A bunch of people in the crowd below put their hands over their mouth. The show goes to commercial. So, Chris S. and Cat Ears are dead.
Oh, wait guys. They didn’t die. That was a TV trick. Cat Ears just slipped. They walk down the building without dying. More models walk down the building. Jourdain is nervous because she spells her name wrong and she has to walk down the building with Chris H. Chris H. is the immature guy who puts on boxing gloves and punches people in the crotch because he had a rough childhood. It happens. Despite his trouble past, Chris H. manages to walk down the building with Jourdain without pulling boxing gloves out of his Guess jeans and punching her in the crotch. I breathe a sigh of relief.
Corey calls his jeans ‘fierce’. None of the models appear poised or fierce until they reach the ground. There’s a lot of slipping. The whole exercise seems pointless. Some girl named Jiana falls and they show one of the judge ladies shaking her head while watching on a monitor. The judge lady is disappointed that Jiana couldn’t walk down a wet building without making a mistake. These judges are fierce!
Much like Chris H., Don had a troubled past. Apparently, you can’t be 'America’s Next Top Model' unless you have had a troubled past. Don has trouble walking down the building due to his troubled past. Renee does a good job walking down the building because her grandmother died 9 years ago. This show is unpredictable, at best.
When they’re done walking, they announce the best and worst two people to walk down the building. Mike, the Ice Cream truck guy who is not an Ice Cream truck guy loses for being stiff. Bianca loses because she fell off the building instead of walking down it.
The finalists of this challenge were Marvin, who wanted to keep his Guess clothes because he doesn’t have a lot of clothes (troubled past, probably) and Renee. Renee wins. Renee is really good at walking down buildings, you guys. She’s fierce. She gets a giant key to stay in a Tyra Banks suite and clothes.
Back at the Model mansion, Marvin tries to sleep with all of the female models. It’s what you do when you live in a Model mansion. Marvin isn’t very good at getting women to have sex with him. I’m guessing it has to do with the number of teeth in his mouth. He’s like a Great White shark.
Up next is the photo shoot. Tyra Banks announces that the models are going to get married. Tyra helps with makeup and hair. It’s a big deal.
The photos will institute a new type of technology called ‘Flixel’. Flixel makes certain parts of the photo move. This used to be called ‘video’. We’re progressing as a species.
Jeremy and Jourdain are the first married couple. The theme of their wedding is nudity. Jeremy reminds everyone that he’s a virgin. It’s a helpful reminder because I forgot. I totally went the whole week without bringing up Jeremy’s virginity in conversation. Jeremy says, “I’m actually a virgin so, how am I supposed to pose as a nudist?” Along with never having sex, Jeremy has also never looked up the word ‘sex’ in the dictionary.
Jourdain has a problem looking happy for her wedding shoot because she got married when she was 18 and it didn’t go well (troubled past again!) Jourdain gets her act together and smiles. It’s a heroic feat. She’s like Kerri Strug.
There are more wedding pictures. The CW borrows a couple of little kids to dress things up. Tyra Banks says the words ‘schmize’ and ‘booch’ again.
Don with a troubled past is tasked with posing as the husband of Chris H. with a troubled past. Both men are straight. Both men have troubled pasts. It’s dramatic. These models rise above it all.
Back at the mansion, Mike the non-Ice Cream truck guy drinks a bunch of wine and breaks a cup. Marvin chastises Mike to the camera for not focusing on his modeling. I had no idea that models could stand around and focus on modeling. If, to be a model, you are not given the personal space to drink wine and break cups, I don’t think I’ll ever want to be a model. I don’t possess that level of commitment. Plus, I schmize and booch like it's going out of style.
Fans of 'America’s Next Top Model' get to vote for their favorite models on Social media sites. A disclaimer on the bottom of the screen tells me that it’s too late for me to vote because the voting is closed. I’m pretty sure I’m not watching a re-run. How the hell was I supposed to watch a show before it aired? Why wouldn’t they just edit out references to voting? Don’t tell me that I can vote for my favorites and then deny me that privilege. Now I know how women felt in the 1800’s.
The judges judge and, there’s judging. The word ‘fierce’ is hardly used so I have no idea what is going on. They integrate fans commenting on the Flixels from home. HOW THE HELL DID THEY SEE THE FLIXELS? Why wasn’t I invited to the pre-'America’s Next Top Model' viewing party? How come they never let me join in any reindeer games? It’s all a popularity contest.
Tyra Banks sends two models home, Chris S. and Bianca. There’s sad music and crying. Next week’s theme is ‘Makeovers’. I hope they make this show over into ‘Airwolf’.