'The Bachelorette' After The Final Rose: Was Nick A Jerk, Or Was Andi? Andi, Probably

'America's Next Top Model'- Season Premiere

Greg Bauch Greg Bauch
August 3rd, 2013 2:22pm EDT

ANTM

America’s Next Top Model’ enters into its 20th cycle. Other shows have seasons. ‘America’s Next Top Model’ has cycles. That’s what sets it apart… I think. This is my first time watching the show.
I have never watched ‘America’s Next Top Model’. I’ve been recruited by Starpulse (I begged) to watch and recap ‘America’s Next Top Model’. My High School Guidance Counselor’s assessment is now 100% accurate.

There is a new wrinkle to the CW’s #1 show. There are now male model contestants, which is lucky for me. Sixteen men and women battle it out for a $100,000 ‘Guess’ ad campaign and a modeling contract with Next Model Management. The stakes are high. No one is pretending like the stakes aren’t high. Perception of stakes is evident. They’re high.

The premiere will be shown in two parts. To open our program, the star of our show, Tyra Banks unveils the addition of men. She says, “That was then, this is now.” She frames her face when she says, “this is now.” I now understand when now is.

We’re treated to video footage of the men and women under consideration for the 20th cycle. There is a montage of girl models and a montage of guy models. My first impression is that everyone needs a sandwich.

I’m not really sure what happens next. They piece together video of three guys saying, “I can smize but I ain’t gonna tooch. I’m a guy. We booch”. We’re 38 seconds into the show and I’ve already used Urbandictionary.com 12 times. Of the hundreds of definitions for the word ‘booch’, my favorite is “Booch- A word used to displace a noun that shows distaste for the replaced noun.” Go ahead and win your next game of Scrabble with ‘booch’.

One hundred or so models stand in a room to be scrutinized. Tyra walks into the room and everyone screams. Tyra is attractive. Tyra Banks asks the room of semifinalists, “Who’s taking it?” Everyone in the room screams. I guess they are all taking it. This show is confusing.

The models are asked to walk. They walk. The judges judge. Decisions are made as to which of the models will move on to the next round of qualifying. Tyra personally calls the 35 semifinalists so we can see video of them screaming. There’s a ton of screaming on this show. We are mercifully sent to a commercial break so I can catch my breath.

The 35 semifinalists arrive in LA on a bus. There’s a ton of talking. A white guy on the bus raps and, as contractually obligated, starts his rap with , “My name is…”

They arrive in a hotel banquet room. Much of this show consists of a random person asking, “What’s up?” followed by people screaming.

We’re slowly introduced to the more interesting contestants. A guy named Jeremy tells America he’s a virgin. He also says that he’s a big ladies guy. It’s like 10,000 spoons when all you need is a knife. A woman named Virgg explains that she is transgender. It would probably be uncomfortable to watch this show with my brothers. Ashley puts a question mark at the end of every sentence she speaks? So everything she says is a question? A girl named Jourdan spells her name incorrectly and tells the camera, “I got married at 18 and divorced at 18. I regret it but, it’s made me what I am today.” Basically, it’s made her 19.

Some girl named Alexander either has to scream or cry in order to communicate. It must suck taking her order through a Drive-thru window.

The contestants are challenged with their first challenge. The first event is a thing where the models walk. Everyone is nervous about it. The guys and girls take turns choosing a partner to walk the runway and, when they reach the end, they must kiss. It’s like sexy Red Rover. This challenge takes modeling and adds the dramatic twist of kissing complete strangers.

Kanani puts it best when she says, “I love runway life. My walk is, like, on point. So, I’m like, I’m gonna rock it out, but, like, I’m tired of seeing girls, like, where are the guys?” This show is definitely opening up new doors for me, model-wise.

The models walk, kiss and pose. Some of them do well, I think. Everyone is wearing masks. I’m having trouble telling people apart. It’s all happening so fast.

Up next is the interview portion of our show. It’s hard to keep up because Tyra keeps switching to a British accent halfway through her sentences. Tyra brings one of the models out, asks them a question, and then has them take off their shirt. This continues until they’re out of models.

Marvin from the Bronx has a mouth like a tarpon. I guess that’s a good thing for models. Growing up, Marvin was ashamed of his janitor Dad. The judges like that he has a janitor Dad, so it worked out for Marvin. Tyra extols the benefits of janitor dads by snapping her fingers and pointing a lot. Marvin changes his tune and yells, “My Dad’s a janitor!” It’ only the first episode and we’re already working out psychological issues. This show is changing my life.

A girl named Anjel had trouble walking. Keeping score, it’s good for models to have janitor Dads but bad for models to have trouble walking.

Jourdan, the 19-year old divorcee, tells the sad story of her drug-using Dad. Drug-using Dads are much different than janitor Dads. Drug-using Dads help you build character, but Tyra doesn’t snap her fingers when she talks about Drug-using Dads. Are you even still reading this recap?

A girl named Nina weighs 58 pounds and has a collection of woodchucks in her refrigerator. Everyone on Reality TV has a terrible back story. Many of these contestants had janitor Dads or worse. Phil has a beard and wears duct tape shoes. They fail to mention his Dad’s occupation so we’re not clear on his plight.

Back stage, people are dancing. It’s nuts. One of the girls accurately depicts the scene by saying it’s ‘Macadamia’ nuts, so we know the score.

Producers stick the contestants into a van and drive them to a mansion to announce the finalists. They could have made the cuts in the banquet hall and saved on gas but, America’s Next Top Model is not about fossil fuel conservation. What they waste in fuel, they save in lunch supplies.

A guy named Ronald was eliminated. He tells the camera that his elimination is not a set-back. Ronald needs to become a model because he will have trouble finding work in any field that involves the English language. Episode 1 of Cycle 20 comes to an end.

Episode 2

The stakes are announced early. This hour, 10 contestants will be eliminated. I get excited because, at this rate, this cycle will only last 2 weeks.

We open the episode with the contestants hanging out in the kitchen of their mansion and eating food. I’m assuming that the food is not real, based on the number of rib cages I’ve seen.

Marvin re-tells his janitor Dad story. They show us a picture of his janitor Dad being a janitor. One of the girls uses the word “Misconscrewed” in a sentence.

It’s hard to understand what anyone is saying because there is a steady stream of screaming in the background of every segment. It’s like a ‘Saw’ movie. When Tyra enters the mansion, the contestants scream. NASA needs to harness this energy. The screaming on this show could power schools.

It’s time for Tyra to give out some advice to the ladies. Bianca says, “Tyra’s advice is the most important advice I’ll ever get from anyone.” Microphones pick up on some of Tyra’s advice. She gathers the women in a circle and tells them, “A man wants a woman who is a like an animal in the jungles of Africa.” I get choked up because my Dad gave me the same advice before I went to college.

A professional model named Rob Evans sits the guys down to give them advice. Rob is British, I think. People will just speak British on this show and I’m not worldly enough to tell if they’re faking or if they’re really British.

There’s a contestant named Delten. Delten was a plumber from Alaska and now has a 1-in-20 chance of winning Amercia’s Next Top Model. The most amazing part about this is that 2 people would name their son ‘Delten’. Delten obviously had a rough upbringing because his jacket only comes down to his nipples. He can’t even afford a full jacket.

There’s a lull in the show so a guy named Chris grabs some boxing gloves and starts punching guys in the crotch. These kids need some video games or drugs.

Next comes a photo shoot. I’m assuming there will be a lot of these. The photo shoot takes place on a building in Los Angeles. A giant projector broadcasts the pictures to passersby. It’s a good example of driver distraction.

A guy named Cory is wearing a shirt that looks like one of those ropes that holds hanging plants. This show is definitely opening new doors for me, fashion-wise.

A girl uses the word ‘significent’, and I’m not sure if she misspoke or if ‘sigficent’ is a word that kids are using now. This show is definitely opening new doors for me, vocabulary-wise.

The photo shoot is over and we’re back at the mansion. Keep up! Jeremy and Jourdan like each other and will probably annoy America with romantic misunderstandings.

Marvin comes back in front of the camera to cry about his janitor Dad again. Producers set up a touching segment where Marvin calls his janitor Dad to thank him for being janitor Dad. Some of this exchange is in Spanish but, I think I got the gist of it. Marvin’s Dad is a janitor.

Nina sits in front of the camera to talk about Chris. No one likes Chris because he puts on boxing gloves and punches people in the crotch. Nina wants to help Chris so she sits him down to talk out his issues. Chris tells Nina that he puts on boxing gloves and punches guys in the crotch because his Mother never told him she loves him. I have something in my eye.

Nina wears cat ears. She tells the camera that she’s more quirky than sexy. I disagree because she’s rocking those cat ears.

We come back from commercial to some shots of the homeless bearded guys lifting sculptures to keep in shape. This show is definitely opening new doors for me, workout-wise.

Virgg is taking hormones to complete her transition into womanhood. The hormones are making it hard to model. Apparently, modeling is the opposite of baseball. Everyone supports Virgg so they sit on the floor to tell her encouraging things.

Despite the things, Virgg wants to leave the show. She walks into Tyra’s trailer to break the news of her departure. Virgg and Tyra cry. They’re crying, and now my wife is crying and I’m crying and everybody is crying.

The cut down to 10 comes next. Tyra consults with her panel to discuss the contestants. One of the guys on the panel is wearing giant white bunny ears. It’s a nice distraction from his shirt. I didn’t drink enough to recap this show.

Tyra walks out to begin the end ceremony. The contestants scream as if they haven’t just spent a week 20-feet away from her. There is just so much screaming. Tyra brings out Paul Marciano. He tells the contestants something but I’m not sure what it is because Paul is from France.

Tyra announces the contestants going through to the next round. Before Tyra calls out a name, she says, “The next name I’m going to call out is…” She would save so much time if she just called out the name.
The final name called is Marvin. He cries. His Dad is a janitor.

Delten was one of the guys sent home. Delten isn’t sure what he’s going to do now. You can’t go back to plumbing Alaska when you’ve been this close to the top. One thing is for sure, Delten’s twitter handle is @delten because no one else on Earth is named ‘Delten’.

Next week, the contestants are going to walk down a building. I punch a hole in my wall because I don’t want to wait 7 days.

Photo Credits: The CW


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