Lisa Lampanelli Talks 'Chocolate, Please'
Eric Stromsvold: What made you most want to write your memoir Chocolate, Please?
Lisa Lampanelli: The huge advance! Come on dude I had to wait until I was famous enough to get a decent amount of money from a book company and somehow it didn't seem like it was going to be that painful. Know what I'm saying? The whole process got softened up by the two Toyota Camry's I got to purchase.
I understand that Chocolate, Please is about your growing up in a crazy Italian household, eating addictions, your love of black men and making it as a stand-up comic. I was wondering who's freakier.
Every comic's a freako, I think we know that. I had to read enough of them to know that they're FUCKED UP! I can't be the first one to say that, they're probably the worst. Then it's probably the people at the addiction meetings because they stay stuck in their little addictions and they can't even say the word cake. I mean Jesus Christ if I'm in an O.A. meeting and I say I got a birthday cake and some bitch is going to go binge because I put it in her head, she's a crazy bitch, am I right or am I right?
What was is it like for you being in the photo shoot for the cover of the book?
That photo shoot was nothing but trouble! They had all these cakes and cupcakes. As you can tell from the cover they look delightful, delicious and very juicy. Unfortunately they were under lights and on set so much that by the time I got to partake of such delights they were not really as good as you'd think. See that's like anything, isn't it Eric? You look at it and you look at it and you think this is going to be fantastic and then it kind of sucks; basically that's why I try not to overeat anymore because you know you're just going to end up with a big old gut and a bloated feeling in your nether regions.
I think it's interesting that I look at the cover and see you with a black hunky man and you look at the cover and see cupcakes.
Honey! You know I'm engaged to a white guy now [and] that's what happens. When I look at the cover all I focus on is the cake. It does look good and I'd really like to lick it. It is really sad now that I'm engaged I'd rather lick the cakes than the guy, but hey, what am I going to do. It's just called maturity mister.
How much of the public knows that you're happily engaged.
Everybody knows; it was on TMZ and Howard Stern. There was nothing but class; I like having the news broken by the Jew from the People's Court and the guy who discovered the queefers. It's very classy.
I'd like to ask you about some of the quotes on the back of your book. One is from LL Cool J and it says, "Lisa can tie me down in bed at any time. Can you be honest, do you ever…
Well no, he's referring to something where we reenacted the scene from Misery for an MTV awards show. It was really funny because I personally think LL Cool J wouldn't give me a shot in hell; but you know what, I graduated. I lost enough weight to get a white guy so I don't need him anymore either.
Are you saying that you only dated black men because you had weight issues?
It was all weight, self esteem issues and this and that. You'll read it, you'll laugh your ass off but there's serious stuff in it. You kind of gravitate towards the things that you can get instead of the things that you want. That's why I took a year and a half off dating before I met my dude now because I had this year and a half to go… What do I really want? And not just a knee-jerk reaction to, oh that looks good, that looks nice. Now I got me a fine, upstanding, regular whitey. It has nothing to do with weight because I'm sure I could get as big as a house and he wouldn't care. Right honey? (She said to her fiancé Jimmy) He gives the thumbs up but I'm sure in his head he's freaking out going God don't let her get fatter.
Where did you meet Jimmy?
It's Jimmy Big Balls! I met him at Jim Breuer's show a couple of years ago on Sirius Satellite Radio. He was a recurring guest and I was a guest and he was so taken with me it only took him two years to dial that phone. I think that's what you call magic, mister.
When you wrote the book were you already happy with Jimmy?
No, I wrote the book last August. I was still single and taking time off just being myself. It was hard to write it because it was going back over childhood stuff and relationship stuff that sucked but I handed it in and I guess my reward was a nice relationship and a big check.
Do you plan on doing shows forever like Don Rickles?
Basically I want to do is stand-up for the rest of my life and hopefully I can stay in the public eye enough so that I could still sell out places, because if I can't then I got to go back to Xeroxing my privates down at Kinko's and nobody wants that.
Chocolate, Please comes out in bookstores on September 15th.
Story by Eric Stromsvold
Starpulse contributing writer
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