Brad has only six ladies left to reject before going home and asking #1 ‘Bachelor’ Blocker, Laurel to marry him again. If you read/believe US Weekly, it turns out that the lady that screwed up Jillian Harris’ dream of winding up with Wes “Love Don’t Come Easy” Hayden a few years ago also managed to get Brad down on bended knee just weeks before he started handing roses out to all these dopes. What a great way to kick off the Valentine’s Day edition of “The Bachelor.”
This week’s tropical locale is the Caribbean island of Anguilla. There are three one-on-one dates this week, and Emily is up first. She and Brad both pretend that he actually plans these over-the-top dates and then settle onto their private island and stare at their feet. Since they have nothing else to say to each other, they acknowledge how intensely awkward everything is. Even though it never actually seems like they are comfortable together, the mutual decision is made that Brad will meet Emily’s daughter on the hometown dates next week. Brad feels like he’s a winner and considers the date perfect. Even though there are no roses to hand out, Emily gets one.
Shawntel gets the second date, and she and Brad take to the streets of Anguilla. Brad explains how this will give him a chance to see what Shawntel is like in a normal, everyday setting... if they moved to Anguilla. They have a relaxed, fun day that seems significantly less strained than his day with Emily, but since there’s no tragedy to overcompensate for, Brad just isn’t sure if this date can hit the depths of his last one.
Open table chit-chat about his daddy issues scores Shawntel a few points, and some night-swimming probably doesn’t hurt terribly either, but comfortable fun and patio concerts don’t really seem to hit Brad’s dramatic sweet spot. Shawntel does NOT walk away with a rose.
The scarcely seen Britt gets the final one-on-one. Michelle’s obviously been using the downtime to write clever one liners about her romantic rivals. On Britt and Brad: “Not only do I not see them getting married, I don’t know if I even see them friending each other on Facebook.” Burn.
On their yacht, Brad and Britt make their plug for Anguilla’s tourism industry, and then arrive at a private cove where Brad can speak in metaphors about jumping off of cliffs and jumping into relationships and all that mumbo jumbo.
After a chemistry-free beachfront conversation, Brad and Britt return to the yacht, so that we can watch their relationship sink with the ship. Even though there was no rose to give out, Brad tells her she’s not getting it and throws her overboard. Brad makes a point about how he doenst want to be crucified for leading anyone on. Clearly dropping a girl off in the middle of the open water and putting her on a passing raft is the classy thing to do. Britt packs her bags, says her goodbyes, and goes on her merry way.
The group date kicks off in the middle of the night with Brad waking Michelle, Chantal O, and Ashley up to do something that millions of women dream about doing. As opposed to Shawntel’s “Pretty Woman” fantasy, which Brad guaranteed was every woman’s dream.
The date that millions of girls would kill for is revealed and it turns out that Chantal, Michelle, and Ashley are going to grace the pages of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue. They get hair and makeup done and when the sun rises, the photographer starts snapping away. Ashley takes off her top, so Chantal takes her top off, and Brad cringes and turns away. Michelle refuses to take her top off, and decides to mount Brad on the beach instead. She’s done some modeling before, so she knows a few tricks. War has been declared on this group date and it’s probably not even noon yet.
The whore-some foursome continue the uber-competitive group date with a pool party. Brad checks in with all his dates, and makes sure that Ashley and Chantal still like him after he rolled around on the beach with Michelle. He confesses that he and Michelle might be too competitive and stubborn to work and Michelle stubbornly gets competitive and tells him why he’s wrong. But the bigger problem is that everyone is putting up walls and there’s not much time left for Brad to decide whose families will be allowed to grill him about his commitment issues.
After clinging desperately to his arm, Ashley scores herself a rose. Chantal proceeds to completely lose it, and asks to be sent home. Yeah, this is some serious stuff. She wipes away tears, and walks to the water as Brad watches with his head in his hands. What’s a hometown bound Bachelor to do?
Apparently, he’s just going to forego the cocktail party and head right for the roses. Chris Harrison participates in his first pre-ceremony debrief of the season, and then informs the ladies of the new plan.
Brad makes some speech about how noble he is for not stringing anyone along and being so absolute in his decision-making. In what was obviously supposed to be a redemptive season for him, Brad has opted to steadily spiral from unlikeable to loathsome. Since there's only room for one loathsome person in a relationship, Michelle fails to score a rose. Her response to the rejection is a long and loud silence.
Next week, Brad is completely creeped out by Shawntel, and Emily’s kid is completely creeped out by Brad. Who do you think will prevail? Were you glad to see Michelle go? Did you want her to have one more major crazy moment? More or less anti-climactic than the dearly departed Madison – aka Vampire Girl?