30 Rock: 'Valentine's Day Love Massacre...'
Picking up after last week's surprising turn of events, he and Liz are in the lobby of their building, trying to come up with a time that is good for the both of them to have their first date. His life is complicated-- with his medical practice and a sick mother-- and she has "a stupid show" to do on Friday, so she suggest Saturday night. It might be the logical thing for most singles, except for the fact that this particular Saturday just happens to be Valentine's Day. No pressure!
Liz asks Jack what she should do, but he is clearly not the best person to dole out relationship advice, considering he and Elisa have bonded over their shared love of McFlurries, and yet the plans he has made for them on "the big day" include dining at "Plunder," an upscale restaurant that boasts a thousand-dollar dessert. Elisa, though, has plans like "any good Catholic" to go to church because it is, after all, a holiday for Saint Valentine. Somehow (read: with a low-cut blouse) she convinces him to go with her even though he only "used to be" of the faith.
While in church, everyone is reciting the Lord's Prayer, but Jack has his own version, where he asks that "Plunder" will hold their table, even if they are a little late... Elisa shoots him a dirty look, but she tells him that after they go to confession, they can leave the service a little early to go to dinner. He obliges, and he slowly starts to break the priest with all of his tales of bad deeds past, such as "turn[ing] a blind eye when his Wig parent company turned some children orange" and "almost letting a man choke to death on a football field." Jack finally breaks him, though, with a discussion about being intimate with Elisa. She watches the priest storm out of the confession booth in horror, and she starts yelling at him in Spanish "Ricky Ricardo-style." If he doesn't care about her religion, it must be a sign that she shouldn't be with him, so she sends him off to "Plunder" alone.
Liz decides to cook Dr. Drew a simple dinner in her apartment, but in true Liz fashion, she replaces the water in the stew with cheddar cheese which causes a slight burning situation in her kitchen as well as in her stomach. Needless to say, things go awry when Dr. Drew opens a window that seems to be magically connected to the bathroom door, causing him to yell out "Too soon!" in surprised horror. Since he has a doctor and has seen worse (or at least, things that are the same), he doesn't run away...though he does take a call from his ex-wife, who ends up dropping off their daughter (a firestarter!) with him a little bit early. It's a lot for anyone to handle all at once in a new relationship, let alone a first date, but considering the bathroom incident took them to "about date twenty" and fast, they both just roll with it. Dr. Drew gets a call about five minutes later from his sister who informs him that their mother has taken a turn for the worse, and he and Liz rush off to the hospital.
Liz manages to get left alone in the room with Mama Dr. Drew, who pulls her down to bed-level and confides in her that she is not actually Dr. Drew's birth mother but his grandmother, and the woman he was raised to believe was his sister is actually his mother. She asks Liz to tell him "or I won't get into heaven." And Liz thought meeting his daughter was heavy!
Jack can't enjoy his decadent dessert without his lady love, so he ends up at McDonald's (where I still can't believe he would ever eat!) for a much simpler McFlurry, and Elisa meets him there. It turns out someone dropped a coupon for one into the collection plate, and she took it as a sign that maybe they can make it work. As they walk out, arm in arm, they spot Liz and Dr. Drew walking down the street in a similar fashion...so I guess he took the shocking revelation about his family surprisingly well. And it looks like that for once, the saints may be smiling down on the 30 Rock gang...even if just for a little while. Well, maybe not everyone:
Frank recruits Kenneth to help out a new blind employee, but Kenneth finds her so beautiful, he can't even speak to her, so Tracy stands beside him and does all of the talking for him, in a slightly higher pitched, nasal "imitation white man" voice. He asks her out (even though he calls her Ms. Magoo) but ends up just taking her to a table set up on the TGS stage after "circling the block fifty times." Grizz and Dot Com are even recruited to act as the maitre'd and waiter, speaking in faux French accents to give off the illusion that it is one of New York's nicer restaurants. Tracy, in the fake-Kenneth voice, tells them he even has one of the "best singers in the world" to perform exclusively for them and Jenna blushes, but he adds: "Michael McDonald!" and she has to do a fake voice of her own. The blind girl mentions "he doesn't sound so good live" because let's face it, her ears are working just fine-- perhaps that sense is even a little bit heightened. At the end of the dinner, though, when Tracy suggests that the night doesn't have to end just yet, Kenneth finally comes clean. He talks about how when he's around her, his heart jumps "like a frog on the [hot] asphalt before it's about to die," and she tells him he has a beautiful soul and wants to feel his face. He eagerly lets her, and her face slowly falls as she moves her hands around his, and she uses the old "well, look at the time; I've got to go" excuse. Poor Kenneth.
Best lines of the night:
Liz (about Elisa): "If I had those knockers, I'd be religious, too."
Jack (about the priest blessing the pregnant women in the congregation): "This
is a Catholic church; we'll be here 'til morning!"
Jack (on perhaps his worst sin of all): "I may have sodomized our former Vice
President while under the influence of weapons-grade narcotics."
30 Rock Cast: Tina Fey, Alec Baldwin, Tracy Morgan, Jane Krakowski, Scott Adsit, Jack McBrayer, Judah Friedlander, Chris Parnell, Maulik Pancholy, Lonny Ross, Keith Powell, Katrina Bowden, more
Related: Check out our exclusive interview with Chris Parnell where he talks '30 Rock,' 'SNL,' Lindsay Lohan, Will Ferrell & More!
Story by Danielle Turchiano
Starpulse contributing writer
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