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Recap: 'Married to Jonas' - Season One, Episode Three

Cyn Donnelly Cyn Donnelly
September 4th, 2012 9:31am EDT

Danielle Jonas and the Jonas Brothers

So I’m not really digging Mama Jonas this week.

Any straight woman will tell you the worst men to date (never mind MARRY) are the men who are either only children or from a family of only boys. Mothers of sons are, well, they’re a special breed and Denise Jonas is their spiritual leader. But more about that later.

This week, Kevin and Dani take a trip from New Jersey to Texas where the Jonas family has a ‘compound’.  The idea being that Kevin thinks going to the compound, which looks like a mansion spa retreat, will relax both he and his tightly-wound wife before the Jonas world tour.  For the last two weeks (in episode time) Dani has been getting hit from both families in regard to their decision about having a child.  Week three and Kevin and Dani still aren’t pregnant and at this rate that might soon be taken off the table altogether.

In Texas we meet some family friends, including Bob, the family’s spiritual advisor, as well as Kevin’s grandparents, Jerry and Fran.  Fran seems sweet and Jerry is funny and Kevin is just happy to see them because Jerry has cancer of the liver and has been sick lately. The family doesn’t find Bob as annoying as I do and Mama Denise announces to a room full of folks that she wants him to tell Kevin and Dani what God told him about the young couple.  This distresses both Dani and Kevin but Bob pays no never mind and goes on to tell everyone how God spoke to him and told him to tell the kids to relax and trust God and other nice things about how when it’s time to have a baby they’ll be fine.  Kevin and Dani spent some time after that alone with Bob to hear nice things and Bob actually did put Dani’s mind at ease for when she actually gets pregnant but did nothing for the anxiety that follows her around on a relatively regular basis.

Dani shares with Bob (and us) that she has been on and off medication for anxiety for the last few years.  She also said she feels no peace inside her right now. Bob didn’t have much of a reaction to this except to tell her she’d be fine. With every week I watch this show, I flip-flop between thinking Dani married well and thinking Dani should run screaming from everyone in that family EXCEPT her husband.  She seems like a good yet nervous kid who would be doing a lot better than she is if everyone would just let her and her husband be a married couple and leave them alone.

Because it’s a reality show they give us the staged events as usual.  This week it’s tea with her mother-in-law, grandmother-in-law and their friends for Dani and skeet shooting with his dad and his brother Nick for Kevin.  Kevin’s event is for exposition: He founds out where the tour is starting and how long they’ll be gone.  (Four months on a world tour…this could be interesting if Dani does get pregnant.)  Dani’s tea is more enlightening.  It’s an opportunity for Mama Jonas to remind Dani that she has very few social graces (and Grandma Fran seemed to note this as she took a very protective spot next to Dani at tea).  Okay, she didn’t come out and say “Girl you are a hot mess!” but she had enough looks for Dani through the niceties (“I’m so glad we could do this together without Kevin”) that Dani looked like she was sitting on hot coals the entire time.

Since just going to Texas didn’t do anything for Dani’s nerves, Kevin decides she needs a night out and he, Nick and some friends take her to a rodeo. Dani is from New Jersey. Let’s just say the rodeo didn’t exactly impress her but she sure did look a lot more comfortable away from the parents and grandparents and spiritual advisors.

As a personal aside, I always thought Nick Jonas was a cute little kid with a lot of talent. This show is making him come across like a snobby frat boy who thinks he’s all that.  He’s annoying and I hate every moment he’s on camera.

And now for some Mama drama.  Kevin decides that it's a good idea to confront his mother about having Bob give them the spiritual talk in front of a crowd because he believes it was infringing on their privacy.  Denise Jonas looks perplexed and tells him she didn’t see it that way.  Now one would hope she followed that up with an apology, a hug and a promise to stay out of their personal affairs.  But one would be disappointed.  She tells Kevin that she thought bringing it up in front of everyone would TAKE PRESSSURE OFF THEM.  (smh)  Then she tells him she wants to “speak into” Dani’s life.  I don’t really know what that means but when Kevin replies that her speaking into their lives sounds more like a ‘directive’ I agree but she takes this to mean they think she’s awful …which a frustrated Kevin takes as her making something out of nothing that he actually said which gets her to admit that sometimes she’s jealous of the time Dani and Dani’s family spends with Kevin.

And that’s the jackpot.  In confessional mode to the camera she admits that she wants Kevin to remember that the Deleasas aren’t the only family in his life.  Meow.

We aren’t done.  When he tells her he’s trying to make time for his family and his wife she practically scoffs and asks him why he bothers coming home.  Kevin, for any faults one might find with him, seems to really love his family and he’s hurt by her accusatory question. It seems she is pissed because he dared take off to the rodeo instead of spending all his free time in Texas with his cancer-stricken grandfather.

Yes, she pulled the cancer card just to guilt her son.

By this point Kevin actually has tears in his eyes. She made her 24 year-old son cry because she can’t handle being a mother-in-law.  She didn’t like his defending his wife and his choices so she went straight for “You don’t know how much time you have left with him and you went to the rodeo with your friends” argument.

After explaining that he’s only one person and he divides his time as evenly as he possibly can, Kevin inexplicably still tries to get his point across and tells her she intimidates his wife.  In her infinite wisdom, Denise Jonas looks her son in the eyes and tells him that she doesn’t judge her daughter-in-law. Especially not for things like ‘using paper napkins’ (followed by a flashback to the first episode where Dani and Kevin had the Jonas family over for dinner and Dani was putting silverware on  - DUN DUN DUN - paper napkins).  The look of shock on Kevin’s face when his mother mentions the napkins is obvious but also made me wonder if he had actually been listening to this woman the entire time because she was being a bitch the ENTIRE TIME.  (It didn’t help that when she said the napkins line, she followed up by LAUGHING.  Later in confessional she said she was trying to lighten the mood and it didn’t work.  Ya think?)

So Kevin gets a lot off his chest but nothing really gets resolved. Although Kevin did inform his mother that his wife is very important to him and he’s there to protect her in any way he can…something he reiterated to Dani when they were alone.  The scene with he and Dani, when he tells her he spoke to his mom, is very sweet. You can see how much Dani means to him and how much Dani appreciates that he has her back. I will admit to actually yelling at the television “DON’T TELL HER ABOUT THE NAPKINS!” just before he did exactly that.  (Napkins stuff aside, if this show is teaching me anything it's that if you had to marry a Jonas, Kevin was the one to get.)

Dani gets a ton of credit from me.  Her only response was “Sometimes I feel like I can’t do anything right.”  Kevin assured her it was his mom not her and they hugged and kissed and everyone ‘aaaawed’ until he said the most truthful and honest thing anyone said all episode:  “It’s never going to be easy.”

Woo-hoo. I bet Dani can’t wait for the next 40 years with this family.

Photo Credits: E! 2012 Upfront - Arrivals , Gotham Hall , New York City, NY, USA 04/30/2012 , Janet Mayer / PRPhotos.com