OK, I'm just gonna say it, and you people can stone me (or think I'm stoned) if you want: Frank is my least favorite "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" character. Don't get me wrong; I have mad love for Danny DeVito. And it's not that I dislike Frank. Saying he's my least favorite character out of a cast of amazing characters is kind of like saying that Sunday is my least favorite day of the weekend. I mean, it's still a pretty damn good day off work. But in my opinion, Frank is to "Sunny" what Newman is to "Seinfeld": a character so completely deranged and sub-human that he always brings something funny to the table, but you don't necessarily want him at the table for long periods of time. His type of crazy is best in short bursts. When an episode focuses too closely on him, like in "Frank's Brother," arguably one of the worst of the entire series, I almost feel like it becomes a different show...like it's trying too hard to be weird. So when Frank took center stage once again in last night's "Frank's Back in Business," once again, I just wasn't feeling it. Luckily for Frank, Mac and Charlie (and Dennis, in his creepier moments) were there to save the episode from being completely forgettable.
Frank (known in certain circles as "The Warthog") is suddenly thrust back into the business world when Atwater Capital (a company he still owns, but has never mentioned) calls on him to save them from going under. Frank, with the oh-so business savvy Charlie as his right-hand man, jumps right back into CEO mode, barking at people and "cutting the crust off the shit sandwich," but seemingly not accomplishing much beyond buying himself and Charlie a lot of matching outfits and eating sushi off of a naked Asian woman. It's not really clear what exactly is going on at Atwater, and even Frank can't seem to answer Charlie's simple question about what they do. There's some kind of issue with the shareholders...or something. And that's where Dennis, Dee and Mac come in.
In a seemingly unrelated plot, those three find and confiscate a wallet belonging to one Brian Lefevre. Using the Phillies tickets in the wallet lands them in a swanky corporate box, where they're eventually joined by two gentlemen looking for Lefevre. Dennis quickly assumes Lefevre's identity, Dee poses as his wife Prudence and a wishful-thinking Mac announces that he's Lefevre's bodyguard. As it turns out, Lefevre is Atwater's controlling shareholder, and the two men are there to try to convince him not to sell by showing him a good time.
Things take a weird turn when the Atwater guys send Dennis and Mac to the mens' locker room to receive a "gift," which is a young Asian boy who promises that they can have him for the whole day. Mac freaks out and leaves before it's revealed that the boy is actually a caddy. Yada yada yada, "Brian Lefevre" shows up at the stockholders' meeting, yada yada, Mac and Charlie announce that the real Brian Lefevre is dead, and yada yada, everyone at Atwater discovers that they're out of work because Frank secretly sold the company "to the chinks." Yada.
Now, why would I yada yada my way through part of this recap? Simply because none of the fake "Wall Street" stuff is really funny. What is funny, and what makes this very average episode completely worthwhile, is Mac and Charlie's infomercial, which they premiere at the meeting in a bid to get some financial backers. After Mac quit on Dennis and Charlie got fired by Frank, the two put their heads together and came up with a great new product: FIGHT MILK. And what makes Fight Milk so great? Well, it's the only alcoholic, dairy-based protein drink for bodyguards by bodyguards. And it probably has some crow eggs in it. And it'll help you fight like a crow. And buying stock in it will make your profits soar as high as a crow. Crows, people. It's all about the crows.
• I found it interesting that Mac was immediately against having sex with the Asian kid, considering that he's probably gay. But then, Mac has a thing for beefcakes, so I'm sure it was just a case of that kid not having enough mass for his taste.
• Although this episode seemed to take a step backward in Mac's "probably gay" storyline, it took strides forward in Dennis's "this sociopath is definitely going to murder someone" storyline. Dennis was at his dead-eyed, spooky best talking about "wearing another man's skin" and repeatedly talking about "getting off." Also, Dennis is definitely not gay, but he was totally gonna bang that Asian kid, right? He just wanted to see how far he could go. *shivers*
• Oh gosh, Dee's Canadian accent was just sooooper. You betcha!
• I always wonder why Charlie never mentioned his fixation on birds in his Match.com profile.
• It seemed a little odd at first that there were really no call-backs in this episode, since "recycling" old material has been the theme this season, but then there it was: the dick flyer, repurposed as Fight Milk's label. But they still need to put more veins in that thing if they want it to look like a bicep.
• Fight Milk! Crow's Egg! CAW!
• Best quotes:
Dennis: “This is about the thrill of wearing another man’s skin, feeling his innermost wants and desires and being in control of his every single move. That is how you get off. Now don’t you guys want to get off with me?”
Charlie: "Fight milk! I drink it every morning so I can fight like a crow!”
Dennis: "It's not my fault you couldn't get off...some women just don't know how!"
Frank: "Tell me more about this crow-tein." (BEST. PUN. EVER.)