'It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia' Recap: Frank's Pretty Woman
When we last saw the Paddy's gang, they were witnessing the miracle of birth. When we caught up with them last night, they were dumping a dead hooker in the hallway. Ah, the circle of life.
If last season's baby-centric finale left anyone with a slightly sweet feeling, Season 7 quickly veers us back into sour territory, as "Sunny" pulls out all the sick and twisted stops that we've come to expect. Things get rolling when Frank, always striving to prove himself as the most disgusting member of the group, reveals that he has big plans for his hooker girlfriend Roxy (Alanna Ubach): "I'm gonna make that whore my wife." This announcement, in combination with Charlie and Frank's continued adventures under the bridge and Mac's sudden, dramatic weight gain, worries Dennis, who fears that their "organization" is becoming "the gross crew." Frank agrees to give the gang 24 hours to transform his "unspeakably crass" whoo-er into "Pretty Woman," but insists that he's proposing to her no matter what. From here, several plots are born...in fact, too many plots.
"Sunny" works best when the gang splits into two groups, each following separate storylines, which ultimately, neatly and hilariously intersect. Although this episode is a perfectly fine way to start the new season (by assuring us that all that baby stuff hasn't come close to softening these horrible people), at times there is too much going on and the episode's pacing seems off. The writers missed some opportunities to elaborate on some of the funnier bits (Charlie and Frank's denim boiling operation, Dee's growing admiration for Roxy) by jamming in Dennis and Mac's cluttered storyline, which goes a little something like this: Dennis takes Mac to the doctor, Mac discovers he has diabetes, Dennis finds out he's in even worse health, Mac sells Dennis on his "no restrictions" diet/fitness plan, Dennis still craves crack, Mac wants to try crack, and together they buy big, ugly Tommy Bahama shirts. Whew. While all of that did result in some great moments, it just felt like it could have been saved for and better served in another episode.
When Mac and Dennis wandered off into their own story, Dee was left in charge of the Roxy project. Just like in the movie, the hooker goes shopping, only to be hassled by a snooty store clerk who assumes she doesn't have the cash to buy a "tighter-than-dick-skin" leather jacket. After flashing a ginormous wad of bills, effectively humiliating snooty clerk in front of his manager, Dee is suddenly in awe of her potential stepmom. And when Dee learns that Roxy has just signed on Tiger Woods as a client, she's more than willing to help her "dig crack rocks out of her ass" if it means getting an all-access pass to the "glamorous" hooker life. However, Dee soon discovers that Roxy's newest john isn't really Tiger, but an actor (Geoffrey Owens, Season 3's fake Donovan McNabb) with a foot fetish. But before Dee can be too disappointed, fake Tiger and Roxy hip her to a potentially lucrative career path: whoring out her "bizarrely huge" feet.
While all this is going on, Charlie is determined to find Frank a good woman who will love him for more than his money. Hence, a typically convoluted scheme is hatched: Charlie sets up a date with a woman who thinks he's a millionaire. (He makes a pretty penny in boiled denims and the bridge business.) Frank poses as his lowly chauffeur. When Charlie fakes an illness ("a touch of the consumption"), he is forced to cut the evening short, leaving his date to be won over by Frank. Sounds easy enough, right? Well, maybe. Perhaps if Charlie hadn't eaten a shit-ton of blood capsules, things would have worked out better. As it is, Charlie's date ends with projectile vomiting, a terrified, blood-soaked girl running from the car and Frank still loving Roxy.
Eventually, everyone makes their way back to Charlie and Frank's place, where Frank asks Roxy to marry him. Whether it's the shock and excitement of the proposal or all the crack and liquor rushing through her veins, Roxy promptly drops dead. After the gang thinks better of calling 911 (a dead crack whore in the apartment is never easy to explain), Frank delivers a touching eulogy (see quotes) and, to the strains of that Roy Orbison classic, the gang lays Frank's "Pretty Woman" to rest in the hallway.
• Even with an extra 50 pounds, Mac still looks pretty good. Can't say that I approve of the beard, though.
• Dicks and cocks and cranks, oh my! Lots of penis nicknames dropped in this ep.
• Even more prevalent than dicks were call-backs. So, so many call-backs:
- The junkyard cat (come back, Agent Jack Bauer!)
- Frank and Charlie's activities under the bridge
- Charlie's rich oil man routine
- Fake Donovan McNabb
• I'd almost forgotten how much I love the way Frank says "whore." Mac's pronunciation of "diabetes" as "diabittis" (not to be confused with the Wilford Brimley-style "diabeetus") is nearly as good.
• Best quotes:
"We boil all our denim." (Charlie)
"I burned myself on a rivet." (Frank)
"People change, Frank. I went from a tiny twink to the muscle-bound freak you see before you." (Mac)
"I am doing leg lifts that are imperceptible to the human eye. They're called hummingbirds." (Dennis)
"You want some of this insulin?" (Mac)
"What's up, ass dicks?" (Dee)
"Roxy, God bless you. You were a good whore. You serviced me like no other whore ever did. Not only my crank, but my heart." (Frank)
Mac: "What's that smell?"
Dennis: "If you're gonna chime in, please don't do it with a mouthful of burrito."
Mac: "This is a chimichanga."
Dennis: "You are BECOMING a chimichanga!"
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