After a long spring hiatus, “New Girl” returned to Fox this week and found Jess and the gang reminiscing about their first times.
The episode began with Jess receiving an unexpected text from Teddy, the man who took her virginity. In the midst of explaining Teddy’s place in her life, Jess bet the others that her first time experience rivaled theirs in terms of embarrassment. The storytelling quickly became competitive, with each roommate illustrating what they believed to be the worst first time.
Jess’ story began at prom night, where she and her date attempted to get freaky to the musical stylings of Lisa Loeb’s “Stay.” The hotel room Jess rented out was the perfect picture for a night of deflowering and debauchery, but her tightly sewn-in dress made it difficult for her date to get to second base, let alone reach a home run. Jess’ take-charge, feminist attitude eventually led the poor guy to feel “unsafe,” and she found herself out in the hall in the company of a handsome guitar-strumming stranger, played by “Teen Wolf” star Dylan O’Brien. But before Jess and the mysterious musician could get intimate, Jess’ prom date reemerged to prove that he could be a man—only to inadvertently stab himself with some steak knives he had fashioned to remove Jess’ dress.
Four years went by before Jess saw the handsome stranger again, V-Card intact. The two reconnected at the bar Jess and CeCe were at, before eventually ending up in a child-size play castle. They made out, fooled around and, in classic Jess fashion, got stuck in the castle’s drawbridge and were forced to stay there until the morning. The two bickered all night before EMTs came to their rescue. Two discoveries were made that day: the homeless bum “sleeping” on the nearby bench was actually stabbed to death, and the beautiful boy Jess wanted to have sex was probably gay.
Jess’ “prologue,” as she called it, eventually led to the tale of Teddy, who turned out to be one of the firemen on the scene of her kiddie castle rescue. Teddy was attractive, and their time together was actually sweet, meaning that Jess did not win the story contest.
Also not winning the “worst first time” competition? CeCe, who lost her virginity to Mick Jagger on prom night. There was no actual flashback detailing this affair, but bacon may or may not have been involved.
Schmidt’s first sexual encounter took place in his college dorm room, where he and his college sweetheart slathered each other up in lubricant—too much lube, in fact. Junior year Schmidt was horrendously overweight, making for a hilarious and humiliating story. What made the story even funnier was the fact that Schmidt’s then-roommate Nick had a front-row seat to the show.
Years before, teenage Nick was also somewhat involved in Winston’s first time. The two had joined Nick’s dad Walt on a business trip to New York, and after finding Nick and Winston lounging around the hotel room eating pizza and drooling over “Titanic,” Walt decided to hire a couple of working girls to loosen the boys up. For years Winston was under the impression that he lost his virginity to a classy nurse, but as everyone pointed out, Mysteria was likely to be a prostitute. After all, her name was Mysteria.
The group eventually agreed to disagree over whose humiliating story was the worst. As they disbanded and began to leave one by one, Jess asked Nick about his first time, and it was surprisingly simple: just Nick, a girl, and a towel in the woods. The two shared a smile and the buzz surrounding them was palpable. As Jess prepared to leave the complex, Nick stopped her on the elevator and lifted her off her feet. No doubt confused yet intrigued, Jess asked him what he was doing, to which he responded: “Let’s not think about it.”
The final shot of episode revealed a naked Nick and Jess under the covers giggling after their passionate night of romance. What does this new development mean for their relationship? Was this a one-night fling? And who do you think had the most embarrassing first time?