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'American Idol' Recap: The Auditions Finally End - In Omaha

January 31st, 2014 1:45pm EST | Andrew Payne By: Andrew Payne favorite Add to My News

Omaha Auditions: Contestant Tessa Kate

Watching 'Idol' is starting to make me feel like Regina George in 'Mean Girls': "'Idol', stop trying to make 'The Chamber' happen. It's not going to happen."

Yes, like every Thursday audition show this season, last night's episode led off with yet another reminder that contestants have to take an elevator up to the audition room as though that's such a tough task. Wouldn't having to take the stairs be a much more arduous task than standing in a box that lifts you up without walking?

Which really can't help but cause me to wonder, what would be more exciting than 'The Chamber'?

"The Raft"

Before arriving in the judges' room, a contestant must raft down a half-mile of rapids with Kevin Bacon from 'The River Wild' attempting to rob them.

"The Rope"

In order to get to their audition, a contestant must put on short shorts and a white T-Shirt and climb up a rope in front of all their peers while a man with a ninth-grade education berates them for being a loser.

"The Chair"

Contestants must answer trivia questions from John McEnroe while they're electrocuted and have alligators dangled in front of them. Wait, that was actually a real thing that happened once.

"Anything"

Really just anything other than simply riding an elevator up to the judges' chambers. Really, anything would be less dull than that.

Speaking of dull, this really has been the worst audition round ever on this show. No drama, no fun - just a bunch of semi-good contestants who are starting to feel like ringers.

Maybe America is really out of undiscovered talent. Maybe nobody wants to see the bad singers anymore. Maybe 'Idol's' just lost its way. Whatever the case, the audition round ended without a second to spare last night. Let's hope the Hollywood Round is a big improvement over its road trip.

As for now, here's the best and worst of the final auditions.

THE TWO BEST AUDITIONS

CJ Jones

This was the guy with the ridiculous 90s haircut and overall Papa Roach since of how he should pierce his face and style his eyebrows that totally clashed with this bright white suit jacket. His singing was okay. Pretty good even. The reason this is one of the best auditions, though, was Harry, who served as a rhythm section, backup dancer and supporting singer all-in-one to CJ and made this more entertaining than any of the other good singers on the show this year.

Tessa Kate

This was the adorable hipster chick in the ankle-length dress that looked like Mondrian in the tropics. She was a classic country girl with guitar in tow. Singing 'Folsom Prison Blues', she was Dolly Parton. Not an impression, she just embodied the same spunk, spirit and talent of country's grande dame without any effort whatsoever. Country has always been reserved for teeny-boppers doing a Carrie Underwood impression on this show. With Tessa, they may have found a true country artist.

THE TWO WORST AUDITIONS

Simon Hauck

This was the weirdo cowboy with the half-grown-in Hitler moustache who had no idea what he did for a living or anything about himself at all. He sang like he was trying out either to be an auctioneer on 'Storage Wars' or to replace that guy who used to be on the Micro Machines commercial. It definitely was a competition for fastest-sung audition in the history of 'Idol' - which was okay considering nobody wanted to hear an extra second of Hauck's attempt at music.

Christian Scholl

It was a bad evening for the Cowboys all around as this was the guy who was not only the second cowboy of the evening, but even worked as a square dance caller. He may be the purest example of just absolute bad singer we got to see this year. One of those singers who sounded more like they were talking than attempting to carry a tune, Scholl squeaked, cracked and popped his way through something resembling a country song until the judges mercifully yanked the cord.

And to think, if he were good we probably we would have gotten to see Harry square dance. Well, at least we had a few gems...

THE BEST OF HARRY

"No we don't!" - To the girl who insisted the judges must sing her 'Happy Birthday' since it was her special day.

"Your work directing 'Argo' was phenomenal." to a guy who looked stunningly like a hipster at Ben Affleck and spit him into a dumpster.

Photo Credits: FOX


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