I’m not sure how I feel about these ‘Idol’ shows after Football.
One – If you’re on the East Coast, you end up staying up until almost midnight to watch ‘Idol’. Isn’t this supposed to be a family show?
Two – If you don’t watch football and set your DVR, it inevitably gets cut off. This show didn’t start recording for a full hour after it was supposed to. That’s a lot of planning.
Three – Being an Eagles fan now faced with the horror of an impending Giants/Patriots Super Bowl, I now must write this column.
Ugh. I’ll give it my best shot. Here we go.
The Three Best Auditions:
3 - Kyle
This was the annoying frat guy who I instantly hated. I sometimes wonder, when you’re a douchey frat guy, when does the point come when you look back and realize how much of a douche you were? When the backwards hat becomes the mark of shame rather than the most seductive fashion choice one can make? Is it 30? 35? When you get married? The best thing about him is that he’ll actually have video of him being douche to shudder about in years down the road. At least I hope he shudders.
He pulled a Rick Astley with a real soul voice that if your eyes were closed, you’d look up and say – “Wait! That guy is white!?” He had a very cool flow and could really sell the song. Luckily, he started crying once he was complimented. So he had to lose some cool points at his frat. Just desserts.
2 - Aubrey
This is the bimbo who thought she was auditioning for ‘America’s Next Top Model’. One of those ‘Idol’ trick plays. I, like everyone else, was fully expecting her to be a crash-and-burn reject. Instead she flashed a soaring voice with a very cool jazz tone. She’s a bit off in terms of connecting with the song as she was kind of singing unconnected notes, but her tone is unreal and her voice is very in-control. She needs to work, but she’s definitely more suited for this than ‘Top Model’.
1 - Jayruh
This is the songwriter who was told not to write songs anymore. He also referred to having no Plan B as having no B Plan. Gotta love when people mess up clichés. He had a little bit of a beat box thing going (uh-oh. Blake Lewis alert!), but actually managed to use it well. He had a real smooth soul vibe with a pleasant voice. The thing is not that he was a great singer, it’s that he had a lot of soul and flavor. He knew how to sing R&B music, and it’s not just about notes – it’s about a whole persona and delivery. And he had it.
The Three Worst Auditions:
3 - Ashley
This was the single mom DJ. Y’know, that old cliché. She sang way too much like somebody trying to sing. She wasn’t singing a song. Just singing a bunch of different technical tricks with runs, flourishes, rises, and everything like that. None of it had any plan or method. She was just showing off and that’s a problem to me. She does have a good voice though, and I don’t begrudge her going through. I just don’t like that kind of singing. Definitely has the chops to improve and develop some potential.
2 - Jennifer
This was the girl with the super revealing jeans and bikini top combination that turned Steven Tyler into a mound of mush as he tried to figure out how to express his delight. She didn’t have much of a voice on her first song, but wasn’t really all that bad. Then she sang ‘Hero’ which took her from being just a normal singing voice that didn’t suck but wasn’t good, to downright unpleasant. Kind of a dull whine. Very irritating.
1 - Ali
This is the incredibly annoying ‘Ellen’ fan that got to do one of those ridiculous red carpet features that led to her getting kissed by a bunch of undesirables. She decided to rap which was clearly a horrible choice as she sounded like an old white man attempting to sound cool in front of his kids. Or Homer doing his Mr. Plow rap. I can’t quite decide. Then she started to sing and it instantly made me miss the rapping as her vocals were just a squeaky mess sung with all the confidence of someone who couldn’t remember the words. Of course, the judges let her through. I just don’t get it.
The Best of the Judges:
Steven, describing what looked like some bizarre twin act, “That was the worst sh*t I ever heard!”
Steven, after a girl went all screechy on him, “I went through four hours of f*cking hair and makeup to listen to this sh*t?
Steven, recapping the day – “There were seven triple threats.” Then someone off camera remarked that made 21 threats, to which Steven replied: “Yeah, and one of them’s your girlfriend.”
Randy’s thoughts on Bikini girl 2.0: “Maybe if she wore a red bikini she would’ve gotten through.”
Other Random Thoughts:
I’d be remiss if I didn’t remark on the surprise appearance of Jim Carrey’s daughter. I want to say something about how fascinating it was that she showed up on the show, but there just really wasn’t anything fascinating about it.
I’m surprised that somebody with such a famous and (seemingly) bombastic father could be so low-key and apparently well-adjusted. I was hoping for a diva or someone with a side ponytail. All we got was a nice cute girl with a solid voice but nothing to write home about.
Something tells me she’ll be in the Molly DeWolf Swenson Zone of contestants they hype for awhile at their audition and then their next appearance is in the montage with the Ryan Seacrest voiceover, “Also going home, Jim Carrey’s daughter Jane” with her giving a nice quick hit about how much fun it was.
It’s an ‘Idol mainstay.