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'American Idol' Mega Diary - A Blow By Blow Of Last Night's Event

Andrew Payne Andrew Payne
May 21st, 2009 8:37am EDT



9:00 - This is such a perfect pairing for Allison - with her goofiness and off-the-wall style her most logical career path is to become the next Cyndi Lauper. And what about Cyndi rocking the mandolin? Now we know why she was neck-and-neck with Madonna for so many years in the 80s. I sense a most Overrated/Underrated Female Solo Artists with Cyndi Lauper somewhere near the top of the Underrated list in the near future.

9:04 - Wow Kris' dad's answer really made him seem like a stock southern politician character in an improv troupe, meanwhile Adam's dad seems like that same troupe's "cool dad" character. Are these people real or did they come down the 101 from Central Casting for the evening?

9:05 - Why in the world would they let anybody sing "Hello" on "Idol" again after David's brilliant recreation of it last year? Anything else will always just seem lame in comparison.

9:06 - I feel bad for every parent in the country who just leaned over to their son or daughter and said, "Look, that's Nicole Richie's dad."

9:08 - I am so happy the producers gave America a chance to see Danny's awkward dancing one more time. And what better way than with the ultimate cheesy dance song, "All Night Long"? So fitting.

9:15 - Wow the difference between Adam Lambert's and Kris Allen's cheer is like the difference between Paul Newman and the Best Boy from "Heaven's Gate" in an Oscar death montage. I think we have a pretty good idea who's going to win.

9:16 - Okay, so Adam's worn some crazy outfits throughout this competition but this one defies all logic. He looks like the villain in a Tim Burton movie. Or the model for the cover of Meat Loaf's next album. His outfit is a like a dominatrix's bird cage attached to a leather unitard. Too many jokes flowing through my head. Can't. Get. Them. All. Out.

9:18 - His outfit was so distracting that I barely noticed he was singing "Beth" which of course means KISS on "Idol"! This is too fantastic for words.

9:20 - KISS rocked, but Ace Frehely was not making contact with the stage when he was flailing his guitar, and then the head mysteriously split from the neck. That was a breakaway guitar! Too lame.

9:26 - It's hard to get excited about Carlos Santana anymore. He's just too overexposed, though Matt Giraud singing "Black Magic Woman" worked too well to disparage this performance. Maybe he should have chosen that song during the competition.

9:28 - So much red and black. It's like a Stendhal convention. (Look it up, kids.)

9:29 - So Camryn Manheim has been at every single "Idol" taping so far this year. She doesn't have a career anymore, right?

9:29 - Just when you thought the Ford videos couldn't get easier to mock, they come out with a Ford video that celebrates the previous Ford videos like they're singing about high school graduation. Is there a way do describe how lame this is?

9:33 - I'm maybe the biggest Steve Martin fan on the planet, so this may be a little biased. But if you don't like that song you have absolutely no heart. Such a pleasant and sweet love song. Remember those? Plus we got a great smug Steve Martin joke in the deal.

9:36 - Flo Rida's career: Re-singing "You Spend Me Round" by Dead or Alive and now the theme song for a movie about a crack team of covert gerbils. I'm going to go ahead and assume he has zero street cred.

9:40 - I spent the entire group number bracing for this - the world's biggest self-parody (non-Michael McDonald Division), Rod Stewart, comes out on the stage in a jacket that a Maitre D from the 50s would be embarrassed to wear and a face younger than Twitter despite the rest of his body's being well past its prime. At least Kate Walsh was entertained in the audience.

American Idol

Image © CR: Ray Mickshaw/FOX



9:43 - An Idol Awards category Rod Stewart can appreciate? Best Stomach Pump Moment?

9:45 - I like when these bad performers don't even come close to the melody when they sing a song. It's one thing to be off-pitch or out of key, but when you don't even know the tune? I mean that girl singing "Over the Rainbow" got the lyrics right and absolutely nothing else.

9:46 - Tattyana Del Toro - the only person who makes Sean Hannity seem like somebody you'd want to get stuck in an elevator with.

9:52 - Michael Strahan, CCH Pounder and Carl Weathers are not starring in a sitcom together. That had to be a thirty-second fever dream. Right?

9:52 - "We Are the Champions" - This is a song in the realm of tunes like "Hotel California" and "Sweet Home Alabama" that send me so quickly to my radio preset when they come on that I always come close to crashing. Do we really need to hear any of these songs ever again?

9:54 - Though when seeing Adam onstage with Queen one can't help but wonder, "Could Adam be the next Freddie Mercury?" It's not impossible.

10:00 - Mr. Edward Boddington? Is this a character from Clue?

10:01 - And Kris Allen Wins! A prediction I, of course, made several weeks ago. Sure, I may have gone back on that prediction in every subsequent week, but I did predict this win at one point. That's gotta count for something. Right? Please?

10:03 - The American Idol Winner's Trophy: Suddenly that third prize trophy from your bowling league looks a whole lot better.

10:04 - And with that, Kris is forced to sing this abysmal song one last time, and "American Idol's" best season yet comes to an end. Let this be a lesson to the producers, if you get great talent rather than focusing on characters who will "make great television" the drama of the competition will work itself out.

I have no opinion about who the winner should have been because it isn't something that's worth having an opinion about. Adam is immensely talented (far more talented than Kris) and one of the most famous people in America right now. It's not like his career will be negatively affected by losing this contest. He'll cut an album, and it will sell.

As for Kris? What else can you say but "Congratulations"?

Andrew Payne
Story by Andrew Payne

Starpulse contributing writer