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'American Idol' Mega Diary - A Blow By Blow Of Last Night's Event

Andrew Payne Andrew Payne
May 21st, 2009 8:37am EDT
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American IdolTwo hours, wall-to-wall performances, and the "American Idol" result all in one place? Sounds like the perfect opportunity for a mega diary.

8:00 - Wow, the graphics on the opening with the contestants' name look like they were the group final for a high school A/V class. It never ceases to be amazing how bad the graphics can look on something so prominent.

8:01 - Whose idea was it to dress them both in head-to-toe white? What is this? A Mormon baptism?

8:02 - Joely Fisher with baby: "Hey America, did you know "'Til Death" just got renewed again? Muahahahahaha."

8:03 - "American Idol" sets another record vote total. Yet all we hear about is its viewership waning. Something tells me that "Idol" is starting to become a show people watch in groups.

Was Kris Allen the right choice as The Idol winner?

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8:03 - Randy Jackson looks like the composite sketch of the guy who supposedly shot the Notorious B.I.G. Anybody who saw the 'Behind the Music' knows what I'm talking about.

8:05 - Can't complain about the uproarious judges cliché intro. Just wish they would have shown a Paula-whacked-out-of-her-mind-on-goofballs montage rather than showcasing her supposedly vast vocabulary.

8:06 - The second in excusable gaffes for such a prominent and high-budget show. Neither of the contestants' microphones work! How does this happen?

8:07 - Wow, the Clinique counter at Macy's has less makeup on it than Mikalah Gordon.

8:07 - Is it just me or does Carly Smithson look like ten years older than she did on the show? She used to be a hardcore rocker chick, and now she looks like something of an elegant matron.

8:08 - And the parade of white continues! Was Colonel Sanders the evening's style consultant?

8:10 - Anybody who actually remembers that Jorge was once on this show is a liar. Just a dirty liar. I had to hit Wikipedia to recall his name, and I'm supposed to be the expert.

8:11 - So this song by Pink. . .doesn't the chorus just rip off a six-year-old's playground taunt? I mean, "Na na na na na na na na" Why wasn't the next line, "You can't catch me"?

8:17 - An excellent haunting ballad from David Cook. Kind of answers the question, "What if Creed didn't suck?" Though the chorus does recall the melody of "We Belong" by Pat Benatar. Seriously. Play them concurrently in two different Youtube windows if you don't believe me.


American Idol

Image © CR: Ray Mickshaw/FOX



8:18 - So is David Cook some sort of perfect person or what? He couldn't have been classier talking about his brother following that performance.

8:19 - Hey! It's Justin Guarini! Is it just me, or does he look a lot like Franklin from "Arrested Development"? At least with regards to the poodletop hairdo.

8:20 - Watching this kid with the mullet singing "Mad World" like a chipmunk on helium begs the question, "Why do people want to shorten the bad performance shows?"

8:21 - Who has a deeper voice? This guy in the black shirt, the guy who sang 'Chocolate Rain' or Barry White playing a tuba?

8:22 - Randy's reaction when he put Nick Mitchell through the auditions is still one of my favorites - He simply screams, "Whatever!" Such a glowing endorsement!

8:23 - Is anybody surprised by this win? Nick/Normund probably got more buzz than anything else the first few weeks of this show.

8:23 - Do you think Steve Martin and Martin Short started weeping when they found out Nick Mitchell thought of them as influences?

8:24 - I think if Nick had made the final twelve he seriously would have had a chance at getting through several rounds and definitely would have made the top ten.

8:25 - Speaking of rounds - here's Lil! She may be the most disappointing contestant in the history of the show. After Hollywood week and the top 36 shows, everybody had it pegged as a Danny/Lil finals with the latter likely coming out on top. Then four weeks later everybody was gritting their teeth every time she hit the stage, desperately hoping she'd go. Now she's back and showing the promise we saw from early on as she sings alongside Queen Latifah. What happened? She's working it out in this performance.

8:26 - We need a term for people like Jamie Foxx and Queen Latifah. Both can bounce around between movies and music and nobody thinks twice. Nobody ever says, "Hey that actor's trying to sing" or vice versa when it comes to these two. There's nobody else you can say that about except for maybe J-Lo, but she always seemed like an actress singing.

8:33 - Hey! It's Anoop and Alexis! Now that the competition is over I can reveal that I was rooting for these two along with Allison. Maybe it's an "A" thing. Unfortunately, two of my favorites are forced to share the stage with Jason Mraz. This guy has always looked like one of those young poker players that goes deep in the World Series of Poker on ESPN. And he seems like he has equivalent musical talent.

8:36 - Is that a hat Kris Allen wore to his audition of a month-old pancake?

8:38 - I don't really know much about country music but it seems like ever since Faith Hill and Shania Twain came around that the only difference between a C/W song and a pop record is a bit of a twang in the singer's voice.

8:40 - Watching Kris Allen play the guitar in the finale makes it seem crazy that this is only the second season we've seen the contestants playing instruments. That was definitely a great innovation.

8:45 - Remember when the judges kept fawning over Megan Joy for weeks and weeks? Can anybody explain to me what the fascination was? I still don't understand how she got through Hollywood week.

8:46 - "Ladies and Gentleman, Fergie!" = The worst phrase in the English language?

8:46 - Pretty sure Fergie is rocking a tailored Michelin tonight. Looks like an all-weather series.

8:48 - What on Earth is this Black Eyed Peas song? This sounds like something Tag Team left on the cutting room floor in 1991. Does anybody remember when they were a cutting-edge underground hip-hop act? Me neither.

8:51 - I love Kara calling the bikini girl a bitch and generally insulting her for being a dumb bimbo. Then going on to give a mediocre rendition of the song before embarking on the most mind-numbing judge performance since they had guest judges come on and simply praise everybody. You stay classy, Kara.

8:52 - I know it's good to love your kids, but is it really love when you're grooving to them strangling a cat inside their voice box like you're listening to a Marvin Gaye record? Tough love, people!

8:53 - Bikini girl towering over Ryan makes me think she's at least 5'2, maybe even 5'3.

8:55 - Wow, so Kara can sing, and is quite fit to boot. I take back 2% of the bad things I've written about her this season.



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