No One Saw This Coming From Amber Heard

'Big Brother' 15 Episode 23: The Rise And Fall Of Helen The Mastermind

Alyssa Landau Alyssa Landau
8/19/2013 11:53am EDT

Big Brother

Part One: Delicious Tears

Previously on Big Brother: Everybody was so disgusting and stupid that I couldn’t bother to write up the episodes. The 3 A.M. alliance blah blah blahed their way into another boring week. As HOH, Andy nominated two people with no strong alliances and loyalty to him because he’s a genius. Jessie tried to make some moves, forgetting what season of Big Brother she was on, and was rewarded by getting voted out. Then Satan won another HOH, putting her on par with the most HOH’s won in a single season.

• Amanda lays claim to all the past, present, and future evictions. Well, she’s not wrong, but God that’s annoying.
• I loved Helen gloating at voting out her own ally.
• They have a moment to recognize that Jessie got a loud reception because she’s awesome and they’re not.
• Andy seriously thinks that getting out his close friend was a good game move for him. Hopefully he’ll feel embarrassed by that when watching the show back.
• Aaryn wins the HOH despite her best efforts to throw it to Amanda.
• “I don’t do well thinking under pressure…I don’t do anything well under pressure.”-Amanda
• McCrae tries to say that he would feel better if Amanda had won the HOH. He manages to say this much more delicately than most would when watching their closest alliance member screw up so badly. She leaps from the bed and has the biggest overreaction ever. That’s our Amanda.
• She starts crying immediately. The smirk on McCrae’s face as she storms out just says “what did I get myself into when I first gave into the pursuits of this crazy person? If I break up with her, will she murder my pets? How long until she cuts off my hair while I’m sleeping and eats it so that I’ll always be a part of her?”
• Amanda hides behind a garbage bin to cry. It’s simultaneously the most pathetic and hilarious thing ever.
• “She’s going to ruin his life,” Gina Marie on Amanda and McCrae. The self-aware part of GM’s brain is dead.
• Elissa wonders if Aaryn will put her and Helen up, which Helen doesn’t see as a possibility. In completely unrelated news, Helen is stupid.
• Helen’s dress MUST belong to GM because it is beyond trashy.
• Helen: “If I was just watching this show, I’d f*cking love you.” No, hun. No you wouldn’t.
• Helen goes to suck up to Aaryn, but it’s pretty dumb to tell people how good they are at the game. However, Aaryn falls for it hook, line, and sinker. She even calls her a really good person. Wow, Aaryn doesn’t completely hate a member of a minority? Maybe Helen is a mastermind.
• “You are better than Janelle.” NO.
• “It’s better that you didn’t win.” “I KNOW THAT,” Amanda says while wiping away her raccoon eyes and thinking about how she’s going to crush McCrae’s skull if he ever looks at another woman again.
• McCrae hugs Aaryn. From another room, Amanda feels a shiver down her spine. She must investigate. She finds them two seconds later.
• Aaryn doesn’t want to put up Helen, but Amanda does, so you can guess where this is going…
• “She’s going to put up Elissa and Helen,” Amanda says, without actually letting Aaryn decide.
• Aaryn plays Philip Sheppard by naming her alliance. Amanda is The Mastermind because everybody in the house has brain damage. Andy is The Agent because he has no concept of his own game. Aaryn is The Beast because she was birthed in Hell. McCrae is The Enforcer because he does nothing but lay in bed all day and irony is in this year.
• “As long as they don’t call me little girl,” says McCrae, the little girl.
• Elissa is not excited to see Aaryn’s HOH room, filled with pictures of anybody but her family. She’s gotten a picture of goats and sheep before she ever got one of her mother.
• Andy’s DR about Amanda’s jealousy is awesome because you just know that once he left the safety of the DR, he went right back up her ass.
• Elissa wants to go home and not be with these people anymore. Me too, Elissa. Me too.
• Elissa wants to give up on season 15 of BB, just like everybody who is watching the show.
• Helen’s eyes in the DR are really puffy, obviously after another one of her crying jags.
• Elissa realizes that she’s not going to be there for her son’s first day of school. I can’t imagine how difficult that must be. When you sign up for these things, you might not realize the gravity of all the small things you miss.
• “We can be in the jury house with all the crazy people,” says Helen, completely unaware that she’s in the house with racists, bullies, and all around a-holes.
• Helen only cares about Elissa’s jury vote. Shocker. She cries about it in the corner, which is sort of the theme of the episode.
• “I feel like I’ve done so much for her,” Helen says, moments before she throws her under the bus to the HOH crew.
• She does that thing that attention whores do where she knows she’s crying and immediately goes into a room where she knows people are. Then when the crying starts again, she pretends like she wasn’t there for the attention in the first place. Classic Helen.
• Helen thinks she carried Elissa far. Elissa won more competitions than Helen. She was MVP three times. How exactly did Helen carry her?
• Helen cries about jury votes in front of everyone. Mastermind!
• Aaryn complains that Elissa cares more about her child than her Big Brother experience. GM goes off on Spencer for saying she must be having a bad day. I would kill for a flashback of the time that GM and Aaryn threatened to quit when Nick was evicted.
• Aaryn says something about Elissa’s lies. I don’t think Aaryn was paying attention to the conversation.

Part Two: In The Dark

• Have Or Have Not Comp. These are usually boring.
• GM doesn’t want to be on big fat loser Amanda’s team.
• Helen say big black box one more time.
• This pitch black set is genius. I can’t say enough great things about the competition designer this season.
• Elissa screams like a horror movie victim when touching the spaghetti. I would too.
• Amanda keeps getting some sort of powder blown in her face. I bet she’s used to that.
• GM touches the key that they’re looking for but passes it by. Eventually she finds it. Compelling stuff people.
• “Alls we got to do is get. Out. Of. This. Box.”- GM. That’s what Nick will be saying to his fellow captive when he’s chained in GM’s basement in a few months.
• “Don’t hurt me, don’t hurt me,” says Aaryn seconds into walking into the black box. That definitely won’t be the last time she says that once she leaves the house.
• “I’m really worried about Spencer’s beard.” Aren’t we all?
• “This is Spencer and I’ve got the key.”
• McCrae feels like Indiana Jones because Indy was always taking orders from his domineering girlfriend and laying down 24/7.
• “My hair came out!” Aaryn after the comp and also when she gets out of the house.
• The boys’ team wins by four minutes. Pathetic on the girls part.
• Why isn’t GM wearing makeup in any of her DR’s she looks like a zombie.
• Helen’s biggest concern after losing the comp is that Elissa might ruin her game if she feels bad. Yeah, okay.

Part Three: It’s Not Going To Be A Very Delightful Week

• Helen tells GM about her father escaping from North Korea. GM nods and says agreeable things, but clearly doesn’t understand anything about Helen’s completely understandable story. The girl is clearly not cultured.
• “Aaryn and I have two very different value systems.” Understatement of the year, Elissa.
• Elissa attempts to talk to Aaryn despite her the fact that she can’t really hide her emotions. She hates Aaryn and everybody knows it.
• Elissa tells Aaryn about missing her son’s first day of school and how her body hurts from having the wrong yoga equipment. It’s probably not the best argument, hun.
• Helen says she understands that Elissa has to go this week. She wouldn’t use the veto on Elissa. What a great ally.
• Aaryn attempts a “nobody comes between me and my blank” joke but fails miserably. Nobody comes between me and that? Is that really the best she could do?
• Helen really thinks that Elissa is the reason she would go on the block. She is not a very astute player.
• Amanda’s DRs get worse and worse. Her smugness is getting so out of control that it will probably attack a small village soon.
• Aaryn nominates Elissa and Helen. May the BB Gods send Helen out the door by a unanimous vote the week after doing Jessie dirty.
• Aaryn says she put them up because they are a power duo. Live feeders know that she spent all day saying she was going to destroy Elissa in her speech. Aaryn is the quintessential scared Mean Girl. Everything is said behind backs but she can’t take confrontation.
• Amanda’s final DR sounds like a precocious six year old testing for a cereal commercial. So bad.

Sign up for our daily newsletter with great stories like this and more!

Photo Credits: CBS Corporation