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'Ja'mie: Private School Girl': Series Finale Recap

Alison Caraotta Alison Caraotta
December 30th, 2013 12:19pm EST

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WARNING: full spoilers ahead!

The episode opens on the King family getting ready for graduation. Sad mum is padding around the house in beige tones half-heartedly trying to get her girls out the door. Upstairs Ja'mie and the gay are lounging on her bed with her laptop's photo booth open so she can get ready. The gay wonders if she still talks to "the African" and if she was ever into him, even a little. Meanwhile, Mitchell interrupts with aNOTHER dick pic (yawn), which Ja'mie is repulsed by (maybe she's a little gay too?) and forwards ahead to the gay and then promptly deletes it. And the scene is buttoned by Ja'mie snapping a quick duck-lipped, unnecessary photo on her lap top. 

Downstairs Gampy is on the phone with Mum and wants to Skype with Ja'mie. Though she tries to tantrum her way out of it, both Mum and Dad insist, and she and her kimono retreat to her bedroom, and the creepiest scene in the whole series is poised to unfold. Meanwhile in the living room, we're treated to a heartbreaking interview with Mum and Dad while Dad explains that the last few weeks have been tough with Ja'mie, but he understands that since Ja'mie is half Mum's genetic makeup, these are probably her genes at work. And Mum gazes out the window. Really, at this point, all I want out of this finale is an escape for this poor woman. And... yeah, also to see what kind of stunts Ja'mie has planned for her graduation revenge. 

Upstairs Ja'mie baby talks at Gampy via Skype while the horrified gay sits, tight lipped next to her on the bad. When the Skyps sesh is over, the gay rightfully demands to know why she was speaking like a "spastic child" and she replies, "because he's rich and he's going to be dead soon." The gay excuses himself, and Ja'mie and her kimono drfit into the elevator and downstairs, only to find Mum still gazing out the window. In between accusing her sister of looking like a baby Russian prostitute and scolding mum for daring to ask her a question while she's got so much on her mind, Ja'mie and Sad Mum have an almost-moment. Sad Mum asks Ja'mie if she thinks it's necessary for Mandy to attend the graduation (subtext: is your father cheating on me?), and Ja'mie answers, "No... he'd be lost without her. Mum, you do realize Dad's an idiot. He's just really rich, and that's why we need him. that's pretty much all guys are good for" (subtext: You could do so much better). And just as quickly as that tender moment passes, Ja'mie drops a quick hint about the impending drama she's planning for Presentation DAy, tells Sad Mum she looks like a cancer patient in her beige tones, and she and her kimono swoop majestically back onto the elevator from whence they came. 

Finally! The presentation Day ceremony is upon us, and that fat, lesbian boarder, Erin is being presented with the Hillford medal, while Ja'mie and the prefects look on with scorn and derision. A teacher calls in the prefects to get ready for Ja'mie's song, and they gather in the wings to conspire ominously. Madison has the laptop, and they are all "literally" freaking out. There's no going back. There are a couple moments to barf over Erin's horrendous dancing, but still pletny of time to "literally" freak out. Now, the sight of the laptop... we kind of know where this is headed. We know the "tits out" video is around the corner, but is that it? Chris Lilley series often crest in glorious musical concolusions, so what else is in store?

Ja'mie trots out onto the stage, performs her perfunctory duties as School Capitan, and introduces Ja'mie original composition "Learning to Be Me." But not without a speech! Ja'mie won't be silenced again. The administration's racism must be exposed. The only reason she didn't get the Hillford medal was because she chose to expose her breasts to the man she "loves," and Hillford is so racist that they couldn't get over it. Blahblahblah... and the headmaster comes running onstage grabs tha mic and sends Ja'mie back to her place in the choir. 

The piece begins, and Ja'mie begins singing, the piece crescendoes, and as the chorus begins, we're treated to a cheesy little montage of the previous 5 episodes, while the students continue singing, the video is displayed above them, while JA'mie gives an inspirational speech, urging all girls to "get [your] tits out, no matter how big they are." Headmaster steps in again, rushes off stage to put a stop to the video, and as the music swells, the prefects saunter suggestively up in formation to the front of the stage, unbottoning their dresses. The prefects rock their hips, drop their dresses, standing onstange in bras and underwear, and while Ja'mie steps out of her dress, removes her bra, and sings a singe line, "I'm learning to be me." This is an amazing conclusion, considering that the "me" singing is a 40 year old man, and the VFX work done, painting on breasts is nothing short of spectacular. 

One month later... we find Ja'mie back on her bed in an uncharacteristically elderly lady costume: a floral jacket and hideous lavender dress kissing a picture of Kwame, narrating the goings-on since Presentation Day. She and the prefects were expelled, and the YouTube videos that people shot of graduation went viral until the school had them pulled. She's decided to start her Gap Year doing AIDS work in Africa, and while Ja'mie leaves to get on a plane... TWIST!... at the last second she charters a helicopter to return to Kelton and for her to return to her Mitchell, during rugby practice. Because, as she explains, "what I really learned this year that there's one thing more important than... even helping Africans, and that's love." She rushes off the helicopter, in that lavender nightmare, throwing boys out of the way, and tackles him while the theme song swells in the background. "I may be a simple private school girl, but when it comes to  love, it's important you find someone of equal looks, class, and color. And once you find them, never let them go." Fade to black... 

But that's not all! We open on a foreshadowing rainbow while Ja'mie explains that she started school at a public school but everyone's really hot, so you don't even notice. This time, she's emo forreal, you guys. Wearing what appears to be a poorly-shaped burlap sack with pockets, pleather pants, and bedazzled cowboy boots, Ja'mie drops a bomb (sort of) on us! But not unless you saw it coming with the rainbow and her repulsion to engaging in any sort of physical activity with Mitchell: she's going through her bi "phase" now! She has a girlfriend named Astrid and things have never been better. All the prefects are there (?), even though we were told earlier that some of them went on to repeat year 12 at other schools. Maybe this is Uni? Who knows? And now it's really over. The saddest thing of all: no happy ending for Sad Mum.

Photo Credits: HBO