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'Ja'mie: Private School Girl' - Episode 05 Recap

Alison Caraotta Alison Caraotta
December 23rd, 2013 8:24am EST

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OMG, poor Ja’mie, you guys! So much happened, but can you even believe how it ended? WARNING: spoilers ahead.

So, it started out so quiche. Ja’mie was back at school having conquered a really serious two or three day depression: inside a silken duvet cover cocoon with only the company of her loyal Gay, a few boxes of tissues to sop up her tears, and a Marie Claire magazine. Seriously, you guys, it was really bad.  But from those ashes, rose a Phoenix, and an rebel, emo Phoenix, at that.  See the practically nameless token Gay had suggested at the close of last episode that she totally, like re-invent herself to show the world that she didn’t even care that her boyfriend cheated on her with her best friend.  And what better way to do that than to accessorize her uniform with illegal hoop earring, slut socks (which I guess are knee socks in Australian), an excessive amount of pink wristbands, AND dark hair extensions?

The episode opens on aggressively proud Ja’mie strutting back onto the Hillford campus, determined to be noticed, extensions flowing, shoulders back, and a mortified little sister in tow.  Anyway, Ja’mie re-unites with the ecstatic prefects, eager to show off her new emo look, and actually saying words like, “I’m really feeling sort of indie. It’s just so much more me.”  Never mind that emos have been likened to lesbians, the lowest rung on the Hillford popularity ladder, in previous social strata discussions. And while she’s been away, the prefects have shunned Madison to Brianna’s group: Ja’mie’s friend from year 11 who was dumped because she got fat or emo or something.  This joyful reunion is cut short by a surprise visit from Daddy who is waiting inside for her.

And Daddy is pissed, you guys.  Turns out Kwame, Ja’mie’s African project/spooning partner when the Gay, or the boyfriend du jour aren’t around, recorded a Skype session between the two of them where Ja’mie sang him the school song topless, while Kwame jerked off, and now it’s all over Facebook. Obviously Daddy had no choice but to kick out the “black,” and Ja’mie can’t believe it.  If he actually did it, Ja’mie will f***ing hate him forever. Obvs. Who does Dad even think he is?

And who do these teachers and administrators think they are? It turns out that little bitch Courtney hacked (logged into her Facebook by guessing her password “Mitchell”) into her Facebook account and posted it, so it wasn’t even Ja’mie’s fault that it got posted. Why are they threatening to take away the Hillford medal? Not that that’s a real threat anyway, you guys. I mean, who else would they give it to? That fat bitch Erin? No offense, but who would want to see a statue of her anyway? And why does Ja’mie have to take off her 37 pink wristbands and illegal earrings? Sometimes life is just so unfair and random. I mean, yeah, they probably would have expelled anyone else for such an offense, but come on, you guys. This is Ja’mie: the quichest girl to ever grace the halls of Hillford.

The next logical step is to get the Gay, rent a Bentley with Daddy’s AmEX, and head to the ghetto to talk to Kwame. I mean, what else would she do? Take the bus. She’d get raped in a second.  Poor Kwame. He’s povo, and he’s in love with Ja’mie. But obvs, theirs is a love that can never bloom, because Kwame is black and from the west side, and Ja’mie is, as she put it, “this,” meaning the embodiment of perfection, hair extensions or not. And, no offense, but she really only invited him to live with her to win the Hillford medal. She has to go before things get rapey, because Kwame won’t stop touching her and telling her he loves her.  She slides out of his embrace and scampers away half-inviting him to chat her, and half-warning him not to.  Awkward.

Back on campus, it’s Muck Up Day! This apparently means it’s the last day of school, so all the year 12s run around vandalizing the school, handcuffing teachers to porch posts (?), and throwing water balloons and eggs at each other. It’s half frivolity, half sadness, as this is the last day of school, and OMG we’re all going to cry so badly. In the middle of the shenanigans, Mitchell cries over the fence to Ja’mie to check her phone which is so random. I mean they just broke up, he must want her back. He’s probably realized his mistake. But, OMG, you guys, it’s Mitchell’s dick! He does want her back! There’s no way this is just a mildly mean-spirited Muck Up Day prank. Ja’mie has to tell Madison immediately, and maybe lie and over-exaggerate a little bit to manipulate her into being friends again.  They  missed each other, though, you guys, so much! ILY, no ILY more, no ILY more!!

But, wait, why is that fat bitch Erin talking to the Centenary sculptor? Shouldn’t he be talking to Ja’mie: the inevitable Hillford Medal winner, even though she just leaked a sex skype on Facebook, and was recently caught with boys on campus? Still, why would the teachers even think about giving it the medal, and the dance solo, AND the sculpture to Erin? She’s such a fat, lesbian bitch!

When it is confirmed that Erin is indeed the recipient of everything our Ja’mie has worked so hard for these past few episodes, Ja’mie does the only thing she can: attempted blackmail. Don’t the administrators see that she could just go repost her sex Skype and humiliate everyone? Don’t think she wouldn’t do it! When they threaten to just expel her, she calls them out on their obvious racism. Obviously this is a conspiracy against her because she’s chosen to have a relationship with a black African! And the media should know about it. When the administrators make a ridiculous suggestion: that she put this behind her and accept facts, don’t they know? Don’t they know that she can’t do that because she’s a winner? Because she’s the quichest girl to ever grace this playground? How random. So random and so unfair. They better not get away with it. 

Photo Credits: HBO


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