Martin Scorsese To Executive Produce Grateful Dead Documentary

'Ja'mie Private School Girl' - Season 1 Episode 3 Recap

Alison Caraotta Alison Caraotta
December 9th, 2013 9:25am EST

Jamie private school-0007-20131203-11.jpg

I think it's time to upgrade 'Ja'mie Private School Girl' on the spin off scale from 'The City' to maybe 'Saved by the Bell: The College Years.' It's getting better. It's getting a lot better. Now, technically 'Saved by the Bell: The College Years' was a spin off of 'Saved by the Bell' which was a spin off 'Good Morning, Miss Bliss: another rare occasion of the spin-off superseding the original, but we're not quite there yet. It's no 'Saved by the Bell.'

The episode opens on the prefects standing on a corner waiting for something, and Ja'mie is so excited she can hardly contain herself. Where is her bitch of a mother? Why is she making her wait like this? Oh wait! There's the Lexus. It pulls up, and lets out... Kwame, Ja'mie's latest povo, African project, and coincidentally the sender of last week's dick pic! Mum is instantly sent back into the car because, obvi, she's embarrassing everyone. 

Now lately, Ja'mie has realized that she's been distracted from her primary role as a Hillford's Mother Theresa, or more accurately, from her mission as a girl who will stop at nothing to win the Hillford medal. So she spawned some half-assed, fantastically condescending and racist program shrouded in just enough faux-charity to look good to the administration. The mission statement is something like to "take a povo African out of their community and do something really compassionate for them." In other words, she gnawed on Daddy's shoulder enough to let Kwame and his crooked dick into Courtney's room for the next month. As she explains to us, her house is so big, that Kwame shouldn't have to sleep on his mom's futon anymore. So instead, she kicked her sister out of her bedroom to make room for Kwame, because povo Kwame and his dick will require a lot of space while Ja'mie reads verses from the Hunger Games or Twilight to him to lull him to sleep at night, thus exposing him to fine literature. 

This amazing program is then laid out for us in further detail by Ja'mie in one of her trademark assemblies. "A Boy in Need is a Boy Indeed" looks equally at "the homeless, the retarded, and the black" to lend a helping hand and a photo op for Ja'mie touching and standing next to the aforementioned groups of people. And then, just when you're wondering to yourself, how Ja'mie will work dancing into this assembly, because a Ja'mie assembly just is not an assembly if there isn't an inappropriate dance routine awkwardly shoehorned in there somewhere, Kwame is led on stage to demonstrate the dancing of his people. The beat is dropped, and Ja'mie immediately removes her sweater, the confines of many of her uniform buttons and beings to thrust and gyrate about him, to the confusion of the onlooking students and teachers. 

Kwame is then ushered through campus by the overeager prefects who school him on the politics of the Oval. "The hotter and more important you are, the closer you sit to the center, so obviously we sit dead center," Ja'mie explains, and then promptly throws a group of girls out of the spot ordinarily occupied by Ja'mie and her tribe. They then grill the Kwame on his type of girl, who barely speaks English and basically just smiles at Ja'mie while she goes through campus dismissing everyone for one reason or another. Brianna and her friends are too fat, the Indian girls smell weird, the boarders are "full, legit lesbians." Then the Headmaster approaches, as he likes to do when Ja'mie as at her most detestable, to introduce himself, and congratulate Ja'mie on her program, Ja'mie explains that Kwame barely speaks English, but he does understand her because they've overcome the language barrier. And we can only assume that this level of intimacy was achieved by the dick pic from last week, and also a desire to control all things about Kwame's Hillford experience, especially his communication with others. 

Jamie private school-0005-20131203-8.jpgThen! Erin, Ja'mie's most loathed boarder, and dance solo rival approaches to also introduce herself. She is greeted icily by Ja'mie, and as soon as the headmaster is gone, Ja'mie demands that all communication with Kwame go through her because he's the only one that he understands, so don't even bother. And as soon as she's gone, the prefects can't even get over it, and dissect it fabulously. WTOMFG, what the f*** was that?? That was so random! She's like an actual psycho, like don't just come up to us just because there's a black guy here. Kwame, you don't like that fat bitch, right? Say no. Good. 

TEXT ALERT! Mitchell's over at the [someplace, tennis courts maybe]! And the prefects take off in a whirlwind of estrogenic squeals and unrealistic expectations. On the opposite side of the fence, there is the shining, golden Mitchell casually holding court with the perfect mix of sexy, amused flattery, and indifference at the quick response of the flock of noisy birds opposite him on whatever sportsfieldthing everyone was standing near. Awkward teen chatterflirts are hurled over the fence, and Ja'mie is dared to flash her tits via voices and texts, but because Ja'mie is a lady, she will probably wait til the party to unveil her A-cup-because-she-had-an-eating-disorder-in-year-8 boobs. 

Back home at the King Mansion, Ja'mie is giving an MTV Cribs-style tour of the house, pointing out the features of the 3D plasma, warning Kwame to never sit in Daddy's chair, when she notices Mum hiding under the table, trying inconspicuously to chop vegetables and prepares a platter of food for Kwame's arrival. Buy Mum knew she was supposed to have the food ready, and what the f** is this? As if he's going to eat that. EPIC FAIL, Mom. God. That bitch Courtney better have moved out of her room so Kwame and his dick can move in. Also Mum better bring something up in a glass on a tray in five minutes. And then off camera, one of the crew coaxed the traumatized Mum out from underneath the table with a xanax and a Coke Zero, and the tour of terror continued upstairs. 

Ja'mie: COURTNEY, GET OUT, THIS IS KWAME'S ROOM NOW. MUM??? Courtney: This is my room too. You don't have to be such a f***ing bitch I"m just getting a book. 

It's time to get ready for the party, you guys! Cue the amazing 'get ready' montage' that ends with the tribe of prefects swilling stolen vodka chanting TITS OUT FOR THE BOYS! TITS OUT FOR THE BOYS! Someday when someone invents GIFs with audio, that'll be a hit, unless those already exist. They might. 

Now it's time for the party, and Mum's xanax has kicked in just in time to grow the balls to come out to the patio with food, but is loudly reminded by Ja'mie that this is a parent-free event, and is instructed to give the food to the African to pass. And poor Kwame, who happens to be dressed in black and white, thus appearing to be waitstaff, takes the tray off of Mum's hands and begins passing appetizers while the prefects and Ja'mie dance by themselves on the dance floor. GASP! Mitchell's here, and the prefects and Mitchell's group do that we-notice-you-but-we-don't dance for awhile until Kwame approaches with food, and he is curtly instructed to do one more round with food and then he can eat. All the while, the prefects are hatching a plan to "spontaneously" jump into the pool later so all the boys can see their clothes cling wetly to them. 

OMFG, the Boarders are here! Why would they even think they're invited? Ja'mie and the prefects charge out to the gate to confront these rogue intruders, who were invited via Facebook, just like the rest of year 12. But obviously, they should have known that the invite didn't extend to Boarders OR Asians! Barbs are lobbed back and forth over the fence, until Lauren the "full, legit lesbian" delivers the final blow, calling Ja'mie, GASP, fat. And Ja'mie loses her s***, threatening everything under the sun: Daddy will beat them up or sue them or something, and stomps away wailing like a wounded animal demanding validation from her tribe. Am I fat??? AM I?? Why would she say that? 

After an infinite amount of "nos" from the prefects, they dump Ja'mie haplessly into Mitchell's arms. He puts her arm around her, and kisses her on the forehead, which obviously prompts Ja'mie to do what any other red-blooded teenage girl would do: update her FB status from 'single' to 'in a relationship' because they just hooked up. This immediately beckons the prefects who flock to her side squawking, and shrilly congratulating her, and just like that, all is well again. Except for adonis Mitchell who just seems so confused by the whole thing, but there's no time for talking because it's time to jump. 

As the prefects line up poolside, Ja'mie declares ceremoniously "OMG, I'm going out w/Mitchell, YOLO!!" Does life get any better than this, you guys? Even if we jump into the pool with our iphones, who cares? We're dating the quichest boy in year 10!! (Fine print: even though he may or may not have agreed to this on any level whatsoever) Oh well, YOLO!

ILY, everyone!

Photo Credits: HBO