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Alison Caraotta Alison Caraotta
Starpulse Contributing Writer
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'Ja'mie: Private School Girl': Series Finale Recap

12/30/2013 12:19pm EST
Ja'mie: Private School Girl
WARNING: full spoilers ahead!

The episode opens on the King family getting ready for graduation. Sad mum is padding around the house in beige tones half-heartedly trying to get her girls out the door. Upstairs Ja'mie and the gay are lounging on her bed with her laptop's photo booth open so she can get ready. The gay wonders if she still talks to "the African" and if she was ever into him, even a little. Meanwhile, Mitchell interrupts with aNOTHER dick pic (yawn), which Ja'mie is repulsed by (maybe she's a little gay too?) and forwards ahead to the gay and then promptly deletes it. And the ...

'Ja'mie: Private School Girl' - Episode 05 Recap

12/23/2013 8:24am EST
Ja'mie: Private School Girl
OMG, poor Ja’mie, you guys! So much happened, but can you even believe how it ended? WARNING: spoilers ahead.

So, it started out so quiche. Ja’mie was back at school having conquered a really serious two or three day depression: inside a silken duvet cover cocoon with only the company of her loyal Gay, a few boxes of tissues to sop up her tears, and a Marie Claire magazine. Seriously, you guys, it was really bad.  But from those ashes, rose a Phoenix, and an rebel, emo Phoenix, at that.  See the practically nameless token Gay had suggested at the close of last episode that she totally, lik...

'Ja'mie: Private School Girl' Episode 4 Recap

12/16/2013 10:21am EST
Ja'mie: Private School Girl
ILY, everyone. Life couldn't be better for Ja'mie right now. Her and Mitchell are pretty much together 24/7: tetherballing, skyping and selfie-ing, waxing each other, y'know, the usual. And while she lies on top of a silent Kwame listing what it is that she loves about Mitchell: the way his nose turns up like a little piggy's at the end, but in a quiche way, and his thighs. Ughhhh, his thighs! The other day he was wearing these short shorts, and... Just when we're about to get to the good stuff, Daddy interrupts to demand that Kwame return to his room and Ja'mie do something productive like...

'Ja'mie Private School Girl' - Season 1 Episode 3 Recap

12/9/2013 9:25am EST
Ja'mie: Private School Girl
I think it's time to upgrade 'Ja'mie Private School Girl' on the spin off scale from 'The City' to maybe 'Saved by the Bell: The College Years.' It's getting better. It's getting a lot better. Now, technically 'Saved by the Bell: The College Years' was a spin off of 'Saved by the Bell' which was a spin off 'Good Morning, Miss Bliss: another rare occasion of the spin-off superseding the original, but we're not quite there yet. It's no 'Saved by the Bell.'

The episode opens on the prefects standing on a corner waiting for something, and Ja'mie is so excited she can hardly contain herself. Wh...

'Ja'mie Private School Girl' - Episode 2 Recap

12/2/2013 9:28am EST
Ja'mie Private School Girl
The second installment of Ja'mie's final days at Hillford is a bit improved, although I still maintain that the stakes and, consequently, emotional investment are low. It feels more like an extended SNL skit than a series. Will she win the Hillford medal? Will she land Mitchell? I feel like these are almost inevitabilities (snore), and even if they aren't, who really cares? What I want to see is Ja'mie dancing, or perhaps, more accurately, Chris Lilley dancing. And she does this time! She sings AND dances her own routines and compositions in this episode which give it some life, because is ...

'Ja'mie: Private School Girl' - Pilot Recap

11/25/2013 8:45am EST
Almost everyone's favorite We Can Be Heroes and Summer Heights High character is back on HBO, and trying desperately to carry her own series: a tall order for any spinoff character normally accustomed to sharing the proverbial stage. In this instance, if we were to judge on a spinoff success scale from, say, the most successful being Frasier where the spinoff trumped the original to, oh I don't know, Joey, the Friends spinoff that no one remembers, I'd give this opening episode a solid The City: the Laguna Beach sequel where everyone's most horrible attributes were exacerbated, and almost n...

'America's Next Top Model' Recap: O Canada!

3/29/2012 10:39am EDT
This week's installment of ANTM was a surprisingly civilized episode, was it not? Drama was minimal, tongues were in check, and everyone had a kind word to say about everyone; which is only fitting because the entire episode took place in Canada. Well it wasn't entirely drama-free, there were a few requisite tears sprinkled gently throughout, but in general wasn't this pretty tame and almost blasé?

First, the girls were treated to an all expenses paid round trip to Canada!! Oh you guys, can you even imagine the life of a model? Always jet-setting off to fantastic places... personally I was...

'America's Next Top Model' Recap: The Resurrection Of King Tut - 'J. Alexander'

3/22/2012 11:12am EDT
America's Next Top Model
Confession! I am starting to fall so hard for Tyra. She is such a deranged and delightful combination of avant garde fashion and non-sequitor observations (and often inspired burns), coupled with the nurturing wing of a mother hen. I really don't know where she's been all my life.

This week opened on reflections of contestants past. Everyone was a little bit introspective about the abrupt departure of Louise (devotees of this little blog corner may know her better under her stage name 'Angela Chases mom, Patty Chase') and vowed to use her tantrum as a lesson to themselves to conduct thems...

'America's Next Top Model' Recap - The Cruel And Bitter Criticism Of Kelly Cutrone

3/15/2012 10:06am EDT
Super mogul model time, guys! That was theme of this carnival show. Tyra ascended her Harvard Business School mountain top, handed down amazing, nonsensical nicknames to highlight the contestants' attributes. Sidebar: I have to say when I entered into this I was ready to hate hard on Tyra. I have to say, she is kind of incredible. She's maternal and quirky and a little bit brilliant and absolutely, delightfully bats**t. I also think she can shoot fire out of her eyeballs. She's like a fairy tale villain that are you're always secretly rooting for. Anyway, Tyra donned a canary yellow cape, a...

'America's Next Top Model' Recap: Kris Jenner Teams Up For Creepy 'Sexy' Baby Shoot

3/8/2012 10:31am EST
America's Next Top Model
Full disclosure: I'm pretty well versed when it comes to reality TV (tee-vee). Well, obviously, you may be thinking to yourself. Here you are telling people what all the self-respecting invalids and tweens (aka the only demographic this show is still attracting) already know: what happened on America's Next Top Model: Cycle 18. For free. You must have an advanced degree in useless cultural analysis from the school of apathetic knocks. I don't mean to brag but, but I've seen a LOT of television. You may be even more thrilled to learn that I've even held bottom-feeding posts on a few marginal...