Is anyone drawing up a flowchart for "Bachelor in Paradise?" Because this is a show that needs ample flowcharting. It's difficult enough that our kooky tropical dating show is a hefty two hours long, but it's near impossible to keep track of the many love triangles, love quadrangles, and love parallelograms that have cropped up among our many Paradisers.
Example: Michelle likes Robert, but Robert likes Sarah- oh, and Graham is, like, totally into Michelle, even if Graham has been going steady with AshLee this WHOLE TIME, and then Cody shows up and puts the moves on Michelle but now Kalon is also asking Michelle out?
If ABC isn't going to provide some kind of diagram (or, alternatively, hire a team of mathematicians to graph everything out in live-tweets), they can't expect us to say afloat in all this choppy relationship drama.
But stay afloat we must. So let's begin the first of two consecutive "Bachelor in Paradise" nights with one of many contestants caught in a giant quagmire of he-said, she-said: Michelle.
Last week, Michelle didn't get picked; the only reason she's still here is due to Chris's pity-rose, which was given out at the last minute after he hurried his legitimately insane and (we're guessing) very stabby new partner away from "Bachelor in Paradise."
Because of this, Michelle is having a minor emotional breakdown. Not only because of last week's rejection, but because of the one that happens early on this week.
This was a subtle rejection... in that it didn't actually happen. Michelle, you see, is just a tiny bit of a moron (no offense), and thinks that Robert will ask her out. Even though Robert has been dating Sarah for at least two weeks now. Also, she doesn't actually hint to Robert in the slightest that the two of them should date; she just kinda glances at him for a moment.
She "put herself out there," which in Michelle-speak, means "I looked at him once and now he's supposed to love me, right?"
But Robert is without relationship ESP, and that's a slap in the face for poor Michelle. It also doesn't help that she willingly helps Sarah prepare for her own date with Robert. A rational person would excuse themselves from such embarrassment, but not Michelle, for whatever reason. Spite, probably.
Robert, of course, doesn't have a clue about the inner turmoil inside Michelle. Because in true "Bachelor" tradition, the women are all insane manipulators that over-interpret every possible word and action, and the guys are slabs of muscle with the self-awareness of a sea sponge.