Here's how you know the last episode of "Bachelor in Paradise" was the greatest thing to happen in the history of people acting foolish on reality TV: after the usual "last time on 'Bachelor in Paradise'" recap, detailing the walking barrel of pyschosis that is Elise, we get a second recap, courtesy of the remaining contestants.
Because Dylan dumping Elise- who then assumed the act of being dumped was a secret code for "I love you madly, please stalk me"- was so compelling that ABC thinks the "Bachelor in Paradise" audience will gladly watch it at least three times.
They're totally right, by the way.
But we can't coast on Elise's island madness forever (well, we could... but we're not. Sorry, folks), so here's some new drama:
We have a new castaway- Danielle, from Juan Pablo's season. And Danielle is super into Marquel (and why wouldn't you be? As we saw on "The Bachelorette," the man's entire dating strategy is based on handing out delicious cookies).
Michelle and Marquel have already started to couple up, so you'd think that when Danielle asks, "hey, are any of these dudes taken?" Michelle would call dibs on Marquel. But Michelle stays silent, because clearly, Danielle has the power of ESP and can silently understand that Marquel is Michelle's man.
Then, Danielle picks Marquel for her date- either she's sadly deficient in psychic powers, or she has them and she's just a jerk.
Naturally, Michelle gets pissed at Marquel. But also happy for him, 'cause, like, he and Danielle might be really good together, you know? But also he is human garbage. And coincidentally, it's at this very moment that Michelle realizes she actually liked Robert more the whole time.
She switches to Team Robert, but having done so, she's also entered herself into a love triangle- an incredibly wimpy love triangle. Because Sarah and Robert currently have a good thing going, but Sarah would much rather mope than actually stand up for herself or the guy she's into.
Marquel's a lucky man to be free of all this. And as a plus, he has oodles of chemistry with Danielle. Their date's a winner- except for that part where Marquel is a five-foot step away from dying in a freak lightning storm (do cookies conduct electricity? We may never know for sure).
And yet the drama just keeps sucking Marquel back in. A new castaway shows up (Jackie, from Sean's season) and, as per the rules, she's got a date card.
Once again, she asks if there are any guys she should be avoiding, and Michelle, having learned nothing from this whole "I let Marquel date someone else and that makes him a jerk" debacle, gives Jackie free reign to pick any man she chooses. So who does she pick?
Do you really have to ask? Marquel- who in Michelle's eyes is basically Satan at this point (does she not realize that the reason he's dating all these people is because she keeps telling everyone they can date him? Can't blame a guy for getting picked up if you're the one putting him on the market).
Marquel, of course, has chemistry with all these women, because he's a cool dude and he keeps a stash of Snickerdoodles in his pants for emergency situations. He seems to like Jackie the most, but he's also dating half the island right now, so we'll see how that develops.