Whenever Chris Harrison comes out at the beginning of any "Bachelor"- based television show, you know it's about to get real. He wouldn't be interrupting this carefully planned sob-and-make-out-fest unless there was a serious truth bomb that needed deploying.
But last night's bomb might actually be the greatest piece of drama that "The Bachelor/ette/Pad/in Paradise" has ever achieved. And it was entirely accidental and probably cost a guy his job.
You'll remember that last week, Michelle K was playing things weirdly coy about her relationship status, but with all the subtlety of a sledgehammer to the temple.
Well, it turns out that before the show ever started taping Michelle K and a crew member named Ryan were committing terrible deeds upon each other in their hotel rooms. The producers got wind of it, and they tried to get the full story from Michelle. While Ryan was in her room.
So he leapt off her balcony, broke both his legs and was carted to the hospital, where he immediately admitted to the whole shebang and was (we're assuming) relieved from his "Bachelor in Paradise" duties.
Chris Harrison and the producers give this tale all the respect it deserves: none. Harrison can't stop giggling the entire time, and ABC throws in a leg-break reenactment that looks like it cost about four dollars and was shot in 45 seconds.
There's also the actual episode of "Bachelor in Paradise," which contains a level of crazy that nearly rivals "The Ballad of Nutty Michelle and the Broken Legs"
We already have our paired-up couples from last week, but will those couples last? Probably not, given that new castaway Chris is introduced with a cheap knockoff of the "Jaws" theme. He is the apex predator, that will consume male contestants and then be free to throw cheesy pick-up lines at the women.
Chris makes a terrific first impression with Elise, but the others regard him the same way you would gum under your shoe- inconvenience, with a slight sprinkling of disgust. Mostly, he's given various long-winded descriptions that boil down to "year, he's a total dude-slut."
But love is in the air nonetheless. Elise and Dylan have been building an incredible connection, except that she constantly prattles on about how important her astrological sign is, and he'd honestly just see other people. So with a cry of "watch what you wish for" (it's "be careful what you wish for, Elise- seriously, she is not intelligent), Elise falls under Chris's spell and throws him a hearty makeout session in the ocean.
Which is where everyone will go to make out on "Bachelor in Paradise," because why sit in a hammock or a plush chair when you could get a quart ocean water in your mouth.
Despite telling her to do almost exactly this, Dylan is upset with his island girlfriend (so is Clare, who had a pleasant massage date with Chris and assumed they were making a connection, until Chris connected his tongue to another woman's). Elise is not- she thinks kissing another man will make Dylan love her even more, and runs to tell him with childish glee.
Sadly, Elise is the only current resident of Planet Stupid on this particular island, and Dylan dumps her almost immediately. But being dumped doesn't discourage Elise. "Now he knows he cares about me," she croons into the camera. A warning to all current cast members: Elise may be an actual, bona fide crazy person.
Chris, meanwhile, has realized that Elise may be the only woman on this island willing to give him a rose. And so he initiates Be a Catty Jerk to Dylan mode. A sample: "Dylan looks like a bloated, fatter version of Matt Damon from 'Good Will Hunting,'" prompting a new nickname- "Fat Damon." Although let's be frank- Chris is not one to be commenting on anyone else's physique.
Elise is right, though- Dylan is still very much into her. Which is why, when given a date card, he ignores Elise and asks out Sarah instead. Elise isn't worried though... or maybe she is.
It's hard to tell amongst the seventeen solid hours of breathless no seriously he loves me and this is why he has dumped me and is dating someone else this is the beginning of our fairy tale princess romance that spews from her mouth whenever she is conscious.
"You're crazy" says AshLee; a surprising moment of clarity from a woman named AshLee.
Kudos to Sarah, though, for having the stones to accept a date with Dylan in the face of sheer, unabashed insanity.