'Gotham' Draws Big Numbers To A Not So Great Series Premiere

'Bachelor In Paradise,' Series Premiere Recap: Like Regular Paradise, But With Alcohol And Stalking

Adam Bellotto Adam Bellotto
August 5th, 2014 8:58am EDT
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The Cast of Bachelor in Paradise

"The Bachelorette" is over, and those who've clung desperately to the love life of Andi Dorfman may have been pained to see her say goodbye to TV.

But never fear! That's what "Bachelor in Paradise" is for- to reunite us with past "Bachelor" and "Bachelorette" loves, and also to ensure that ABC never lets a Monday slip by without two hours of something with the word "Bachelor" in it.

But what is "Bachelor in Paradise?" Who knows? The series doesn't begin with by detailing the rules of the game; instead, it plops former failed "Bachelor" and "Bachelorette" contestants on a tropical paradise (really just a resort in Mexico), and lets them mingle for a few minutes. Although "Paradise" seems to have an open bar, which is definitely pre-requisite for calling any place "Paradise."

The contestants have no idea what's going on, and neither do the viewers- it's a neat little bit of meta-TV that was almost certainly not done on purpose.

But for a few minutes, those on TV and those watching TV get to play the "who's season was he/she from, again?" game. Anyone from Andi's season (and Juan Pablo's, most likely), will be instantly memorable. Everyone else might be a face or a name that you almost kinda sorta place, but can't really remember.

Don't worry- before too long, they'll all be committing terrible reprehensible deeds in the name of love. There'll be no problems remembering then.

Right now, the instant island standouts are:

Marcus, and his piercing eyes.

Marquel, and his winning smile.

Graham, who's old, but in a good way (note: this is a terrible compliment- there's a reason people don't go around saying, "hey, you're ugly/irritating/give off a smell of burning hair, but in a good way).

Lacy, whose beauty (read: boobs) briefly turns all the men into a stuttering pile of pre-teen jitters.

Ben, who everyone saw on Desiree's season of "The Bachelorette," and thus know that he is a giant douche. Marcus even outright calls him "a bad person." This should be fun.

But because the dates aren't scheduled until the second hour of the premiere, and the introductions only took about thirty minutes, we're left with a considerable portion of time where our many contestants do little besides mingle and occasionally flirt with each other. For half an hour.

Luckily, the time passes quite swiftly when you're playing "who's the least sane person here?"

Michelle K. is an early front runner- when asked, jokingly, if all the contestants are single, Michelle K. can only say "maybe." Seriously, is she single or isn't she? That isn't the kind of thing you play coy on when you've just entered a dating show. Michelle K. brands herself as a nutball (or, at the barest of minimums, someone with an extremely poor grasp of what a "joke" is) early on.

Marcus, too, seems a little unhinged. Being dumped by Andi hit him hard, and he will express this by wading out into the middle of the ocean. Alone. At night. You can't hear "All by myseeeeeeelf" playing in the background, but it's been playing in Marcus's head on a loop for the past several months.

Is Marcus screaming? He doesn't seem to be, but this would be so much funnier if he was screaming.

However, the winner of the crazy-off is, without a doubt AshLee. Frankly, she'd win just on name alone, but AshLee's crazy credentials are stunning. She stalked fellow contestant Graham on Facebook prior to the competition, joined "Bachelor in Paradise" for the slim chance that he'd also be a contestant, and spends all of her conscious time clinging to him like a fruit bat to a mango tree.

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Photo Credits: All images courtesy of © American Broadcasting Companies, Inc