Part Two of our four hour Bachelorette-stravaganza is here, and finally our lovesick fourteensome will be leaving the greater L.A. area. Now, they're headed for wintry Connecticut.
The Bacheloretteers love the change of scenery and they are loving their new digs. We've got men sharing hotel rooms. Men falling into warm, friendly embraces on the couch. Men squeezing themselves into a single tub to share a few drinks. Love is in the air! Also, Andi is probably around here somewhere.
This week, the first lucky man to experience the frozen Connecticut tundras will be Dylan. Makes sense; he's a Bostoner, so this whole place is like his backyard. But so far, Dylan's had a rough ride. He lost two siblings to drug addiction, and is a little hesitant to open up to Andi about that kind of trauma. Nevermind that he told the entire country about it on TV just yesterday- telling Andi is a far tougher wall to break down. And the breakdown will take quite a while, so while these two take a romantic steam train ride up the Essex river, Dylan engages in the following:
Awkward small talk about the weather.
Saying things like "It's nice. Definitely... definitely nice."
Opening his mouth to speak, then deciding not to and just blubbing silently, like a melancholy goldfish.
Maybe if Dylan spilled his emotional beans a little earlier on, this date wouldn't have had that uncomfortable grief cloud hanging over it the whole time. But he eventually will, telling Andi the whole story, complete with a few painful-looking tears. She's touched, which she will demonstrate through a series of rapid-fire nods and a concerned duckface. But even she can't help but cry by the time the story's over. And all that emotional closeness means Dylan will have a rose pinned to his shirt for the rest of the episode.
Now, it's "time to shoot some hoops and look like a man," according to Andi, because last night's group date involves basketballs, gym shorts, and copious amounts of shame.
First, the shame (of course). Andi's menfolk may look the part in their sports attire, but that doesn't mean they have real basketball skills. And it definitely doesn't mean they have a shot at beating a team composed entirely of professional basketball players. So what follows is part two in "The Bachelorette" edition of "Andi's Men Are Mocked Openly for Being Truly Terrible at Something."
Last time, it was Boyz II Men and the art of vocal performance. Now, it's five WNBA stars and basic athletic ability. And the best part is that after the professional athletes are done schooling a team of reality TV contestants, they stick around and continue to crack jokes from the sidelines- just like Boyz II Men did. Fingers crossed this happens with every guest star in every episode for the rest of the season.
In the great b-ball aftermath, the Rosebuds are victorious (who'd have thought the team with the basketball coach might have a competitive edge in a game of basketball?) and win the right to more Andi time. The Five of Hearts are crushed, and not just because their team name and jerseys were clearly scraped together roughly twenty seconds before the pick-up game started. No, they must retreat through the shadows back to the hotel, listening to the Rosebuds spray themselves with foamy alcohol in some sort of bizarre mating ritual intended to attract the only woman they've had any contact with for the last month.
Unsurprisingly the actual post basketball-date doesn't go so swimmingly. Eric and Andi's relationship is stalling, so Andi takes the time to lecture Eric about how exactly he should go about fixing this. It's about as charming as it sounds. Afterwards, Brian uses his basketball knowledge to charm Andi and shoot a half-court shot that was totally done on the first take and definitely did not take half an hour of reshoots to get right. Yet with all this skillful dating, Brian can't figure out that Andi totally wants to kiss him.
"I am so bad at reading signs," he sighs.
Yes, Brian. Yes you are. But you'll skirt through with the group date rose, regardless.