Something’s going on with Khloe and Lamar, and the Kardashians aren’t privy to the knowledge that the rest of us in the ~ futuuure ~ have long since obtained. It’s painful to watch Khloe squirm as her well-meaning but obnoxious family members attempt to figure out “what’s wrong” with her, and ultimately settle on it definitely being that she doesn’t have a baby yet.

Rather than air her – and Lamar’s – problems to her family, and the E! cameras following them around, Khloe just gives up and goes along with whatever her megalomaniac relatives want. After all, these are the people who treat themselves to things like “family day” at the Four Seasons even though they spend every waking moment together.

The baby theory comes to fruition because Kim is pregnant and bored and just a bit more narcissistic than usual. As she and Kourtney are discussing baby stuff yet again and leaving Khloe out of the conversation, Khloe makes a comment (poor thing, she thinks this one remark will be left alone) about not having children; Kim interprets what was meant to be a remark about not leaving Khloe out into a cry for help about desperately wanting a baby of her own.

It’s now up to Kim to help Khloe experience the great joy that she feels every day carrying the spawn of Kanye West in her womb. How will she spread this joy? By confronting her sister in her “poolside grotto” and telling her she either needs to go see her fertility specialist again, or go talk to an adoption attorney to discuss her options.

Good lord. To get Kim off her back, Khloe just agrees to go to the attorney’s office to see what goes in to actually adopting a child. She looks visibly agitated and listless during the meeting and can’t get out of there fast enough.

In tangential family member plotline news, Bruce has plugged the gnawing loneliness in his heart by training Khloe and Lamar’s dog, Bernard. He believes that Khloe is too soft on the six month-old puppy, and his training method is the best and only method. He gives Bernard a choke chain, which in the grand scheme of things, isn’t the worst (many, many little doggies have them) but Khloe is opposed.

She puts it in terms Bruce can understand: when Kendall and Kylie were growing up, Bruce would get pissed off if Khloe tried to parent them in any way. Now Bernard is like her child, and Bruce is encroaching on her territory. Everybody lay off Khloe for awhile, please.

Rob has returned to the fold for a very special storyline involving his mother and some motor scooters. When you’re filthy rich and have no boundaries, you buy your immediate family luxury gifts for Christmas, much like Kris did last year when she got everyone Vespas. She’s shocked – just shocked – that Rob never rides his, and decides to see if Kourtney and Scott even still own theirs. Surprise, they sneak into their garage and don’t see Scott’s scooter. Do these people ever lock their houses?

Breaking and entering aside, Kris and Rob decide that they need to get Scott to confess that he got rid of the scooter himself. Why they’re not questioning other members of the family about their scooters isn’t really shown, but whatever. They decide to plan a “family scooter day” for the weekend to trap him in his lies. When he doesn’t show, Kris confronts him about being an insensitive jerk; Scott couldn’t care less about the scooter; but Kris bought it as a token of love, and as a way for the family to spend time together.

Surprise surprise, they make up by the end of the episode when Scott pours her a massive glass of wine and sincerely apologizes for hurting her feelings. They are really running out of ideas, aren’t they? Next season, Kris and Scott butt heads over the family go-kart!

Though she’s still upset about being badgered by Kim, her meeting with the adoption attorney has got Khloe curious about her current fertility. While at the fertility clinic (she takes Kourtney with her instead of Kim hahahahaha), she receives a strange phone call from Lamar asking her to come home immediately. She tells Kourtney that this has never happened before, but her body language (and our outside knowledge) says differently.

She stays for the appointment, though, and as it turns out, Khloe’s fertility is much better than expected; the problem is that she doesn’t want to have a baby right now.

At the moment, she’s explaining off Lamar’s problems as a deep depression. The thing is, she might not be lying to the cameras when she gives this explanation – there’s no telling at this point if she knows the severity of Lamar’s issues, or even how much she ever knew. Hopefully the family just moves on to a new topic. What’s Brody been up to lately?

Grade: B

Stray Observations:

-When Kris and Rob break into Scott and Kourtney’s house, they’re outraged that Scott’s extensive and colorful sock collection isn’t from Arthur George, so they just steal every pair.

-Sometimes I think Bruce is like the Other Family from Coraline, meaning he just sits in his Malibu beach mansion unanimated and waits for someone to walk in so he can spring into action. “Hiya! Welcome! Let me tell you about the decathalon and never let you leave.”

 -Khloe, getting her picture taken by Kourtney in a vintage car:

“Do I look cool?”

“I think I could make you look cooler”

“Well then do it, that’s your job!”