Let this be a rallying cry to all the level-headed, music-loving people out there – and let it be a warning to all the responsible and interested parents – we have a crisis on our hands, and its name is Justin Bieber.   

He is spreading through this planet like a virus, infecting every nation, suffocating well-executed lyrics and creative musicality and replacing them with shiny hair and eerily unblemished skin. I know what you’re thinking, this kind of thing has come around before, and it’s always been dismissed quickly and efficiently as nothing but a fad. This may be true, but make no mistake, Justin Bieber is stronger and more contagious than anything we’ve ever seen before.

As with most types of virulent disease, those facing the highest risk are the relatively young and the relatively old, and though I would like nothing more than to save everyone afflicted, the sad truth is that that would be impossible. Therefore, my efforts will be focused on the youth, because they are, after all, our future.

(On a side note, if you do know any older people who have Justin Bieber mania, save yourself some heartache and simply let them go. Take comfort in the knowledge that nature will take care of them in due time. Don’t try to play them any Jay-Z or anything, they’ll just get agitated and confused.)

But what’s so dangerous about generic teen pop, you may be ask? Isn’t it, like chicken pox, just part of growing up? Well, yes, but don’t we have a vaccine to prevent chicken pox from happening? Besides, Justin Bieber is more than just a peddler of crappy music. He is literally threatening our youth, and must be stopped immediately.

For starters, Justin Bieber is just too pretty. Not handsome, not boyish – Pretty. Like a prom queen. Or a princess. Or Tinkerbell. PRETTY. If he grew his hair out, he’d be the Hanson brother that time forgot. He’d make one hell of an attractive girl. He’d be prettier than Miley Cyrus. Who am I kidding, he’s already prettier than Miley Cyrus! And under no circumstances should people trust any male who is prettier than Miley Cyrus.                             

But Justin Bieber’s prettiness is not just a profoundly creepy, superficial trait. No, his prettiness has catastrophic real-world consequences. From his own Twitter feed on April 27th: “Not happy that someone stole my hat and knocked down my mama.” So, Justin Bieber can turn teenage girls into thieves and felons. Strike one. Soon after this tweet, one of his shows was cancelled due to fans becoming “distressed,” which apparently means that they stop breathing and start breaking knees. That’s strike two. These two events come months after police cancelled a Justin Bieber appearance at a mall in New York because the crowd was becoming too difficult to control. Take a minute to fully appreciate that sentence: Justin Bieber’s teenage, female fan base whipped itself into such a frenzy that the police force became frightened. That’s going to be strike three, and Justin Bieber needs to take a seat.


While these third-party accounts are all sufficiently horrific, there’s nothing like a first-person experience to really put things in perspective. I was fortunate enough to have one of these experiences, as Justin Bieber brought his traveling freak show to Chicago a couple of weeks ago. At first, I didn’t know that I was driving past a Justin Bieber concert; no, I thought the Junior Strippers of America were having their annual convention. It’s truly sad to drive past throngs of 15-year-old girls who look like 47-year-old groupies. Something has to happen, and it has to happen now.

So please, join me in this battle. If you see any teenage Justin Bieber fans walking around, ridicule them until they start to cry. Don’t let up, even if they run weeping from your sight, hands clasped over their ears, excess makeup dripping off their face. Make them understand that no matter how they feel about Justin Bieber, it is not worth the sheer amount of emotional distress that we are willing to inflict. Sure, some people may think you’re crazy or a jerk, but didn’t Jesus have his fair share of enemies as well? And wasn’t he, like us, just trying to save the world?