This torturous and painful-to-watch version of a cut rate Survivor starts off with your typical collection of crying scenes and arguments amongst the cast. I'm A Celebrity …Get Me Out Of Here begins with the "Cast" trekking through the Costa Rican jungle for about 45 seconds where they set up camp, which looks like a Hollywood soundstage.

Then the 'stars' of the series, "Speidi" - newlyweds Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt (aka the Anti-Christ), from The Hills, announce after 5 minutes in the jungle that they're quitting and "Pulling the Ripcord" on their stay. Subsequently Spencer calls the producers of the show saying that he's "too rich and too famous" and this "devalued his fame." But after his hissy fit the rest of the cast talk Speidi into staying after laying a guilt trip on them for not supporting their charities.

The next scene has our heroes go off into the jungle probably to bump uglies or blow a few lines, and when they return they find out that some of the rest of the cast has gone through some of their possessions and were mocking them. Seeing this, Spencer proceeds to artificially freak out once again, smacking a water bottle away from another insignificant member of the cast.

Also, during this pre-school-like tirade Spencer declared he would "Cook Sunjaya for dinner," and "I don't calm down." This led Heidi to apologize that Spencer was "a new Christian" and that "daddy bear was protecting mama bear."

Heidi then proclaimed that the people that were making fun of her were "not Christian." She added, "never make fun of someone's hair care products."

The rest of the cast seems to have a back-up role to Speidi; it includes former supermodel Janice Dick-in-son, former actors Stephen Baldwin and Lou Diamond Phillips, former NBA star John Sally, former wrestler Torrie Wilson, former American Idol contestant Sanjaya Malakar, the comedic duo "Frangela" (who?), and Patty Blagojevich, wife of the former Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich, who would've been on the show but a judge wouldn't let him leave the country. But all these people are mere window dressings for the actual stars, Speidi.

In the next scene the cast is divided into two teams, the men vs. the women. This throws a monkey wrench in to Speidi's plans. Nevertheless, our heroes persevere.

The first challenge that these has-beens had to partake in was the food trial at "Joe's Diner" where they had to eat an assortment of jungle cuisine such as Rat tail, cow intestine milkshake, walking stick bug, a dead tarantula, tripe, a scorpion and an iguana tail. The men prevail in this contest despite the fact that Spencer "blows his lunch" after eating the garnishes that accompanied his treat.

Next our celebrities return to camp where they elect Lou Diamond Phillips and Janice Dickinson as team captains, which lead to the next lame-ass challenge where Lou and Janice are strapped into some kind of homemade S&M bondage device, which Janice "shockingly" has no problem with. After 30 seconds in the contraption Janice concedes and Lou is declared the winner.

Back at camp Speidi questions Patty Balogavich about her husband's recent troubles and she gives a weak and feeble political rant, in which Spencer response to he would have voted for her disgraced husband. This leads to a group prayer between Speidi and Patty, which involves a close-up prayer cam. Nice touch, NBC.

The final challenge of the night came in the form of some kind merry-go-round/waterboard device or something that would appear in one of Dick Cheney's wet dreams. The fully goggled constants are strapped onto this torment machine where their heads are dipped in to a kiddy pool with a bug dispensing device located in the center. This is where our heroes opted out of participating, and the rest of the cast is subjected to having an array of insects placed near their heads.

After all their crying, complaining and whining, the fact that our two stars are not going to participate in the bug challenge is an outrage! The only reason anyone is watching this pathetic show is to see these two complete douchenozzles get harmed, injured, debilitated, wounded, or hurt - what a rip off! Needless to say, the best part of NBC last night were the advertisements for Conan O'Brien's debut as the new host of 'The Tonight Show".

The series is hosted by English singer/model/actress (a triple threat!) Myleene Klass and MTV VJ Damien Fahey.

Story by Max Fischer
Starpulse contributing writer

Image © NBC Universal, Inc."