whats the funniest joke you've heard lately?

[big popcorn]

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag. The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about one foot high, and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano. The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart!

"Where on earth did you get that?" says the bartender.
The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says..."Here. Rub it."
So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful blonde genie is standing before him. "I will grant you one wish. Just one wish...each person is allowed only one!"
The bartender gets really excited. Without hesitating he says, "I want a million bucks!"
A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming!
The bartender turns to the man and says, "Y'know, I think your genie's a little deaf...I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks."
"Tell me about it!!" says the man... "Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?"
 

[♥klu03♥]

lmao!!

i have heard that one before but it's even funnier the second time.

[big popcorn]

Two women are new arrivals at the pearly gates and are comparing stories on how they died:
 
 1st woman: I froze to death.
 
 2nd woman: How horrible.
 
 1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from he cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally  died a peaceful death. What about you?


  2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected  that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to  catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself  in the den watching TV.

   
 1st woman: So what happened?
 
 2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there  somewhere that I started running all over the house looking.  I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the  basement. Then I went through every closet and checked  under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked every  ere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled  over with a heart attack and died.


 1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer ! -- we'd  both still be alive.

[Britneysucks]

Classic!

[placebo]

This is the last joke a heard:

A man dies, and he's looking in the gates of hell.

There he sees John Kennedy with an incredibly ugly girl. The man turns to the Devil and asks why John Kennedy is with this hideous looking person. The Devil replies, "Well, John has done some bad things in his life and that's his punishment."

The man looks around a little more and sees Bill Clinton with a beautiful model. The stunned guy asks "What's Bill Clinton doing with that model?" The devil replied, "Well, that model did some pretty bad things in her life."

[placebo]

GIRL: I have done a great sin. I called my boyfriend a BAST*RD.

PSYCHIATRIST: Well now, that's not a nice thing to call anyone, so what did he do to deserve that?

GIRL: Well, he kissed me.

PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?

GIRL: .. Yes!

PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BAST*RD.

GIRL: But, he put his hand in my top.

PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?

GIRL: Yes!

PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BAST*RD.

GIRL: But, he took my clothes off.

PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?

GIRL: Yes!

PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BAST*RD.

GIRL: But, he had sex with me!

PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?

GIRL: .Yes!

PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BAST*RD.

GIRL: But, he told me he has AIDS.

PSYCHIATRIST: BAST*RD!!!!!

[BiG BoSS]

once there was a person who wanted to sell his car but its not very good it was ford no one wanted to but it

so he asked his friend "how can i sell it"

hes friend told him "put a sign of ferrari and every one will come for u to buy it""


after two days






his friend asked him if he selled the car

he told him which crazy person who have a ferrari and wants to sell it

hehehe       nice right ?? if u didnt understand it ask me about it

[LOVE.T.V.18]

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag. The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about one foot high, and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano. The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart!

"Where on earth did you get that?" says the bartender.
The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says..."Here. Rub it."
So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful blonde genie is standing before him. "I will grant you one wish. Just one wish...each person is allowed only one!"
The bartender gets really excited. Without hesitating he says, "I want a million bucks!"
A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming!
The bartender turns to the man and says, "Y'know, I think your genie's a little deaf...I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks."
"Tell me about it!!" says the man... "Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?"
 

OMG, that i have to send that to my cousins.

[big popcorn]

A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when

she accidentally cut off a truck driver.
The truck driver motioned for her to pull over.
When she did, he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from
his pocket.
He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded to the
blonde,"Stand in that circle and DON'T MOVE!".
He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats. When he turned
around she had a slight grin on her face. "Oh you think that's funny?
Watch this!" He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every
window in her car.
When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face.
He is getting really mad. He gets his knife back out and slices all
her tyres.
Now she's laughing.
The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his
truck and gets a can of gas, pours it on her car and sets it on fire.
He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is almost falling
over.
"What's so funny?" the truck driver asked the blonde.
She replied, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped outside the
circle.
 

[xDollface]

^ LOL, omg that was SOO slow! I loved it!

[Avalon]

haha now thats some funny stuff

[Xing off the days]

Heres one a couple. - A gentleman died and went to hell. He was met by the Devil and told that each person is offered Three choices of torture. The Devil explained that these tortures run in cycles and you could choose which one he would have.  So the Devil took the him to the first room where a man was hung up by his feet and was being whipped with chains. The man said he diddnt think that was where he wanted to start.
They went to the next room where a man was hung up by his arms and was being whipped by a Cat o nine tails. The man also said no to this form of torture. The third room had a man strapped to the wall naked and a beautiful young blonde woman was preforming oral sex on him. The man told the Devil this is more like it, and this was the one he wanted. The Devil said are you sure?, it lasts for 100 years! The man said that this was the punishment he wanted.
So the Devil walked over to the young woman and said "You can go now, I have found your replacement"


Another one: A blonde, a brunette and a redhead were stuck on an island for many, many years until one day they found a magic lamp. They rubbed it hard and out popped a genie. He said that he could only give three wishes so since there were three girls, each would get one wish. The redhead went first. 'I hate it here. It is too hot and boring. I want to go home!' 'Okay,' replied the genie. And off she went. Then the brunette went. 'I miss my family, my friends and relatives. I want to go home, too!!' And off she went. The blonde started crying and said, 'I wish my friends were back here!'

[cobralicious]

^^^^^

LOL!

  .

[cobralicious]

Why did the blonde jump over the piece of glass?

She wanted to see what was on the other side!


LOL.... that was really stupid. I know....

[willingmind]

   The Talking Frog:

 A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
 The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.
 The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want." Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.
 Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The man said, "Look, I'm a Software Engineer, I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."

  Why God Never Received Tenure at a University:
 
 Because he had only one major publication.
 And it was in Hebrew.
 And it had no cited references.
 And it wasn't published in a refereed journal or even submitted for peer review.
 And some even doubt he wrote it himself.
 It may be true that he created the world but what has he done since?
 The scientific community has had a very rough time trying to replicate his  results.
 He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book.
 He expelled his first two students for learning.
 Although there were only ten requirements, most students failed his tests.
 His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top.