whats the funniest joke you've heard lately?

[cobralicious]

^^^^^

LOL!  .

[Silverandcold]

Okay, I heard this one on Mad TV and I thought it was really funny. You may not think so, but, whatev.
---

A man walks into a bank and the woman behind the counter says
"Hello, how may I help you today?"
and the man says
"I want to open a fuc.king bank account."
and the woman says
"I would love to help you, but there's no use for that kind of language."
and he's like
"Shut up you dumb bi.tch. I just want to open a mother fuc.king bank account."
and she repeated herself.
Soon, the man said
"I want to speak to your fuc.king manager."
so, the lady obeyed the man's wishes and got the manager.
The manager says
"What can I help you with?"
The man says
"I just want to open a mother fuc.king bank account."
and the manager says
"We would love to help, sir, but there's no use for that kind of language. How much money would you like to deposit?"
and the man says
"3 million dollars."
and the manager says,
"And this DUMB FU.CK won't help you??"
----
ahahahahahahahaha
I thought that was great.
:]

hehe, Good ol' mad TV

[Blackrose_1370]

this one is kinda stupid... there was this man .. about 30 or so.. who was really slow.. he went to the fair and won a prize , he chose a puzzle. well it took him 2 weeks 2 get it done and for some reason he held a party at his house.. this woman went up 2 him so she could congradulate him.. he said i am so suprised i got it done in 2 weeks because on the back of the box it said 4-7 years {ages}

[*Screaming~Beauty*]

dunno

[Avalon]

this one is kinda stupid... there was this man .. about 30 or so.. who was really slow.. he went to the fair and won a prize , he chose a puzzle. well it took him 2 weeks 2 get it done and for some reason he held a party at his house.. this woman went up 2 him so she could congradulate him.. he said i am so suprised i got it done in 2 weeks because on the back of the box it said 4-7 years {ages}

wow...that was...interesting

[big popcorn]

ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659 CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.
She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused.
When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition.
She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are coming!" and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.
BUT, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said,
"Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"... I just lost it."

[Blackrose_1370]

wow...that was...interesting

i know it was stupid.. i was tired when i posted that

[big popcorn]

Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary.
His wife was really pissed. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to
find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT
BETTER BE THERE".

The next morning Ed got up early and left for work.
When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there
was a small box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused,
the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box
back in the house.She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Funeral services for Ed have been scheduled for Friday.

[ReelbigFish]

Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary.
His wife was really pissed. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to
find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT
BETTER BE THERE".

The next morning Ed got up early and left for work.
When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there
was a small box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused,
the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box
back in the house.She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Funeral services for Ed have been scheduled for Friday.

HA! thats a good one

[big popcorn]

A man enters his favourite ritzy restaurant and while sitting at his
regular table, he notices a gorgeous woman sitting all alone at a
nearby table.
He calls the waiter over and asks for their most expensive bottle of
Merlot to be sent over to her, knowing that, if she accepts it, she is
his.
The waiter gets the bottle and quickly brings it over to the woman
saying this is from the gentleman over there.
She looks at the wine and sends a note over to the man.
Her note reads:
"For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your
garage, a million dollars in the bank, and seven inches in your pants."
The man, after reading her note, chuckles, and sends a note of his own
back to her.

His note reads:
"Just so you know, I happen to have a Ferrari Testarosa, a BMW 850, and
a Mercedes 600 SL, in my garage. I have over twenty five million
dollars in the bank. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you,
would I cut three inches off. JUST SEND THE BOTTLE BACK." 

[ReelbigFish]

A man enters his favourite ritzy restaurant and while sitting at his
regular table, he notices a gorgeous woman sitting all alone at a
nearby table.
He calls the waiter over and asks for their most expensive bottle of
Merlot to be sent over to her, knowing that, if she accepts it, she is
his.
The waiter gets the bottle and quickly brings it over to the woman
saying this is from the gentleman over there.
She looks at the wine and sends a note over to the man.
Her note reads:
"For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your
garage, a million dollars in the bank, and seven inches in your pants."
The man, after reading her note, chuckles, and sends a note of his own
back to her.

His note reads:
"Just so you know, I happen to have a Ferrari Testarosa, a BMW 850, and
a Mercedes 600 SL, in my garage. I have over twenty five million
dollars in the bank. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you,
would I cut three inches off. JUST SEND THE BOTTLE BACK." 

HA!
as usual another funny one

[big popcorn]

 
Little Old Lady in court
Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?
Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.
Defense Attorney:  Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch  on  a warm spring evening, when a young man comes  creeping up on the  porch  and  sat  down beside me.
Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
Little Old Lady: No,  but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?
Little Old Lady: He  started to rub my thigh.
 Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
Little Old Lady: No,  I didn't stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why  not?
Little Old Lady: It felt good.  Nobody had done that since my Abler died  some 30 years ago.
Defense Attorney: What  happened next?
Little Old Lady: He began to rub my br€asts.
Defense  Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.
Defense  Attorney:  Why  not?
Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited.
haven't  felt  that good in years!
Defense Attorney: What  happened next?
Little Old Lady:  Well, by then, I was feeling  really  "spicy" that just laid down and told him "Take me, young man. Take  me!"
Defense Attorney: Did  he take you?
Little Old Lady: Hell, no!  He just yelled, "April  Fool!"  And that's when I shot him, the little bastard!

[Silverandcold]

^lol  I dont even know why thats funny 

[xDollface]

^LOL, that was funny.

[placebo]

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'