Let’s be honest. After a pretty awesome tease for the requisite ‘Women Tell All’ episode of “The Bachelor,” the last thing we wanted to do was listen to Brad rehash his journey from most hated man in America to whatever he is today. Nonetheless, Brad is what we got. He likes getting slapped across the face, fangs, “Fangs,” and a good game player. He dislikes embalmers. He feels better about seeing the women on this tell-all than he did the last time. The concept of the recycled bachelor will always be absurd.
There are gross parties with Bachelor/Bachelorette alums advertising a second season of “Bachelor Pad” and a lot of Charlie Sheen interview promos. By about the the third one, I'm wondering if ABC is hinting that they'v actually found their next 'Bachelor?' The guy is out of a job and would invigorate the franchise like no other! Certainly seems worth considering!
Back at TWTA, Chris Harrison reminds us who everyone is, Ashley H has dark hair, and Michelle knows she’s about to face an angry mob. In a refreshing “cut to the chase” moment, the attacks are launched immediately after the montage, and a minute later Michelle is crying and Jackie is getting bleeped. Lisa M and Ashley H are the sole supporters on Team Michelle. No one else understands that in between seducing the ‘Bachelor,’ Michelle was helping TV bloggers do their job with some witty quips and clever snarks. Oh yeah, and this season would have been an absolute snooze-fest without her.
Before we get back to the Michelle drama, we revisit the Raichel vs Michelle battle from so long ago it might as well have happened during Brad’s first season on the show. I’d rather comment on Chris Harrison’s snazzy new hairdo since both of these girls seem awful. Jackie calls Raichel a fool, and that about sums it up.
Now, back to the main event. Michelle is in the hot seat and as usual makes the very most of her time in the spotlight. Sure, the cow shirt was a little bit unfortunate, but girl knows how to deliver a dramatic performance. She’s not going to cry. She’s going to have an absolute MELTDOWN. Chris is on Team Michelle and thanks her for the color commentary before delving into the feather ruffling. Now, let’s see if she blames everything on editing. Nah. Not Michelle. She’s going to get a round of applause for breathing!
Some of the girls are not buying it and launch an assault of attacks on her parenting skills and personality in general. The gasps get longer, the sobs get louder, and Harrison is all riled up that he’s lost control of his harem when they cut to commercial.
Michelle defends her style of mothering to Stacy and shares the differences between herself and an arachnid with Jackie. Then it just gets boring with a slight dig at the editors thrown in. Jackie learns a little about herself from Chris Harrision and then Britt lists all of Michelle’s attributes and Stacy dies inside.
The Ashleys are a predictable letdown after all the high drama in hour one. Both have dyed their hair to match their dress and take a turn in the hot seat to rehash their heartbreak. Gold Ashley still strives to be a wife and Black Ashley still takes responsibility for Brad kicking her out in Africa. It also looks like Black aka “New” Ashley has gotten some botox in recent months since her new forehead doesn’t appear to move while watching her old forehead react to Brad’s rejection. Chris coaxes her into saying she loved Brad and she takes on a bizarre southern drawl to make a plug for brunettes.
Also, seriously, are we really doing this tell all without asking Madison one question about vampires????
Brad is on-set to confront the women and looks all happy until Ashley S gives him his first question. Relax, Ash. He thinks you’ll make a good wife. Brad and Michelle have a friendly exchange. Ashley H apologizes for the time she wasted with all her pesky insecurities. He says, aw shucks a few times and gives her a hug and it’s all good.
In addition to fantasy suites and rose ceremonies, “The Bachelor” did some charity work in South Africa and a short montage promoting that is thrown in before an outtakes reel and previews of the finale.
So what does everyone think? Emily or Chantal? On the one hand, the single mom has been a frontrunner since day one, but the slap-happy brunette is the one he can be himself around.