'Bachelor Pad' Recap: The Crying Game (Plus The New 'DWTS' Cast)
Gia’s gone, Wes and Dave are fighting, and Natalie is still holding onto her rose when a box of clipboards comes to the house. On said clipboards are surveys that want to know what everyone honestly thinks about the rest of their housemates. So basically, this week’s competition will involve the kind of psychologically damaging cruelty usually reserved for 12-year-olds at sleep away camps and slumber parties. Given that last week’s “Bachelor Pad” featured the nastiest Spin the Bottle (sans bottle) game ever, this latest episode of protracted adolescent humiliation is par for the course. Let the games begin…
Once everyone’s had a night to stress over the emotional distress that may be inflicted on them, Melissa explains the rules of the challenge. Not only did they have to fill out those surveys but they have to guess how everyone else answered the questions. If their guess matches up with the most popular answer, they get a point. The first guy and girl to get four points will win the rose.
Kiptyn is voted “Most likely to Win the Entire Game” and then Melissa launches into the questions that will eventually buy some lucky therapists’ their new cars. Krisily is voted Biggest Enemy in the House. Most Shallow goes to Elizabeth. Her response? “I don’t ever consider myself shallow. I don’t even know what shallow really means.” Way to prove how much depth you have, Liz. You’d think a girl who spends as much time in dirty swimming pools as she does would be familiar with the term shallow. Guess not.
Next award is for Dumbest in the House. Natalie votes for herself, gives us an example of why she deserves the title, and then loses to Gwen’s more subtle brand of stupidity. The Season 2 alum, Age ?? is naturally pretty upset. Tenley, however, is happy to be the first winner of this wicked game.
The guys continue with the question “Who do you secretly have a crush on?” Dave votes for himself and is correct. “Who will be a bridesmaid but never a bride?” A hush falls over the ladies for this bruiser of a question. Across the board, the guys select Natalie as the perennial bridesmaid. She’s devastated. Being the dumbest she can live with, but not this. Even Dave, her fantasy suitemate last week, had no problem writing her name down. I actually feel bad for her during those few seconds when she puts the ditzy blonde Barbie robot thing on hold and acts like an actual person with real feelings. The whole thing reminds me of the scene in “Clueless” where the unflappable Alicia Silverstone is called out for being a “virgin who can’t drive.” Way harsh, indeed.
This being a “Mean Girls” kind of game, it's no surprise that the women are more sensitive than say Wes, the house's choice for Biggest Jerk. The Jesses are tied at four when they’re thrown the question, “Who has the worst boob job?” We won’t comment on the implication that a majority of the bachelorettes have had the full Heidi Montag and go straight to Kovacs for his thoughts -- “I have to write down who a majority of the people think has the worst boob job. And that could be Elizabeth. Even though I think she’s got great boobs, it’s not about what I think personally. It’s about what I think the house thinks. If I write her name down she’s gonna be hurt but I’ll win this competition and I’ll get a rose and by doing so I’ll give her a rose.”
Elizabeth’s holding her head down during this deliberation, so we know she understands the meaning of
“Worst Boob Job.” Eventually Kovacs votes for some other surgically enhanced housemate, even though deep down he knew Liz’s implants were not up to snuff. Jesse B wins, Elizabeth cries in a broom closet and Kovacs has a major epiphany. He doesn’t want to see Elizabeth cry, so he must actually care about her, and he’s ready to open up and be a better man. Exhibit A: Kovacs 2.0 is the kind of guy that tells his girl that she’s beautiful, botched boob job and all.
Dave has no such crisis of conscience. He won’t even talk to Natalie while she’s upset because if he’s not a jerk to her everyone will know they’re together or something equally douchelordy. Gwen steps into the shower where Natalie’s crying and brings up the question of whether it’s better to be the bridesmaid with a brain or the dummy with a ring. Feel free to discuss...
Tenley’s date card arrives and to the surprise of absolutely no one, she takes Kiptyn on her helicopter ride to Catalina. By the time they’ve completed the zip line portion of the date Tenley is talking in that ridiculous baby voice she used on her dates with Jake. You see, when she’s not sucking face with seven guys in seven minutes on television, Tenley’s really very shy. On a side note, Kiptyn kind of reminds me of Brandon Walsh on “Beverly Hills 90210” and I’m still trying to decide if Tenley is more like Donna Martin or Kelly Taylor at her most sanctimonious.
Tenley is swell and Kiptyn is keen and they’re having a real sweet time together so Brandon/Kiptyn wants to know where he stands rosewise. Tenley squeaks a little and waxes conflicted because she doesn’t know if she’s ready to give it up yet, and yes, we’re talking about the rose as though it symbolizes anything more than a golden ticket to next week’s train wreck. Sigh… Coo… Rose? He accepts. He wants to explore her and she wants to explore him and if he can survive yet another round of her virginal divorcee routine, he’ll get a chance to do so in the fantasy suite. Note to Tenley: We get it. You’re a classy girl looking for a nice guy. Unfortunately, you’re on a reality show where even a “nice guy” will wake up in your bed and then tell you he’s going to keep ignoring you in front of his friends. On the other hand, the Kipper’s not going to do anything really offensive… like belch in your face.
Jesse B and Peyton had so much promise when they took off in that little plane that brought Mr Eko to the island on “Lost.” They were both country and could bond over potatoes and funnel cake. Sadly, this was not another date at the races and JB was not the martini sipping guy that the situation* and Peyton needed him to be. (*not the guy from “Jersey Shore”) Instead Jesse was the belch in your face, put his finger up your nose, martini and champagne chugging dude who blew his rose wad too early and realized the fantasy suite thing wasn’t happening too late. Post-date, Jesse and Peyton are “just friends.”
Meanwhile, Elizabeth sees that Kovacs is finally ready to join the Elizabeth/Kovacs Power Couple. She doesn’t have to spoon-feed him feelings for her anymore. Now, it’s a much deeper relationship…whatever that means. Hopefully this won’t be their last night in the hot tub together.
Before we can find out, the latest “Dancing with the Stars” cast is announced. This year’s crop of has-beens, wannabes and nevergonnabes are: Brandy, Jennifer Grey, Margaret Cho, Audrina Patridge, Florence Henderson, Bristol Palin, Michael Bolton, The Situation*, David Hasselhoff, Kurt Warner, Kyle Massey, and Rick Fox. (*the guy from “Jersey Shore”) On the plus side, we can fantasize about Maks rebelling against Carrie-Anne (Lift Police) Inaba and telling the judges ‘nobody puts baby in the corner’ before performing the famous “Dirty Dancing” lift with Jennifer Grey. On the down side, we may see Bristol Palin singing and dancing at the Emmy’s next year. But we digress…
Back to the house of horrors, two people are going to be eliminated. Krisily feels like she might be safe from elimination for a minute and lets her crush on Dave throw her off her game. He screws her over right after telling her how honest and straight-forward he always is with her. He wins. She loses. She’s NOT happy. Seething with rage, she gives an impassioned speech about how the power couples must be stopped or they will win it all. The subtext of her speech? Screw you, Dave. The truth, Krisily? You should have known better. FAIL. Also, the better, cuter Shakespeare (Wes) is going home. Now the only source of entertainment will be Jesse B belching the names of his dates. Stay tuned… But first, let us know what you thought of the week’s episode!