Oh Coven, cant’ say that I’ll miss you much or that I’m sad to see you go but, you were an often fun, mostly strange and frustrating ride. It isn’t necessarily accurate to say that the finale is an utter disappointment, especially since the entire season has been kind of a let down. But it was virtually free of any shocks or surprises; even the apparent “plot twists” were predictable and expected. As always, there are some great moments, lines of dialogue and performances that make the episode bearable, but it ultimately falls flat and left me feeling cold. Also, where was the horror? This is American Horror Story, right? Not one truly scary moment in the episode. I was cautiously optimistic about the witchy season when it premiered, it seemed to be following Asylum’s footsteps and embracing themes of the oppressed and disenfranchised while filtering it through a more pulpy, and campy lens. But the series quickly devolved into an utter mess, a nonexistent narrative, inconsistent world, and minimal characterization, the only thing keeping it together was the engaging performances by the awesomely talented cast, which could only be attributed to the ability of the actors, who made miracles with the material given. And on that note,
“The Seven Wonders” opens as absurdly as it could possibly begin, with Stevie Nicks (kinda lazily, sorry Stevie) lip-synching “Seven Wonders” as a music video montage of all the hopeful Supremes practicing their magic plays. Seriously, what the hell? It’s ridiculous and kind of amusing in a silly way, but doesn’t offer much. Isn’t this just the perfect metaphor for the show itself? I mean, it pretty blatantly dismisses any kind of narrative in favor of some cool visuals. Literally the epitome of style before substance, and I know that American Horror Story has never really been a beacon of sublime storytelling, but this just sums up all the problems that Coven has. The series constantly throws crazy amounts of eye candy to distract us from the lack of story, but it isn’t working anymore, certainly not in this cold open. Totally unnecessary, and I like Stevie Nicks.
The coven enjoys their last meal before the trials for the Seven Wonders and the new Supreme rises. Cordelia delivers an eloquent speech and ends it with a fitting, “… kick ass tomorrow.”
Thus the trials commence with Myrtle’s “favorite” Telekinesis and despite some hesitancy from Misty, they all breeze through it. Up next, Concilium, in which Misty Day makes Queenie bitch-slap herself, Queenie in turn makes Misty Day yank her own hair and Zoe and Madison mind-control Kyle into being their puppet in their little love-triangle power play. Sigh, this is still a thing? Descensum follows and all the girls manage to enter and break out of their respective hells but Misty. In her hell she is in a high school biology class and forced to revive and dissect a frog over and over, poor Misty wails as she is made to kill a living being and is so distraught that she misses the narrow window of escape. Cordelia cradles Misty’s body and calls for her to return, but as the time runs out Misty’s body just dissolves into dust and she dies. Sadface.
The next day, Cordelia, still shaken, calls for a moment to grieve Misty, but the other witches, especially Madison, are over it and want to get going with the trials. Transmutation is next and Zoe, Queenie and Madison ‘transmutate’ all over the place. They start a fun little game of tag that spills out into the grounds of the school. Though Cordelia maternally advises the girls to be careful, they ignore her and giggle away like happy little children, that is, till Zoe ‘transmutates’ herself right onto the school’s spiky gate and gets gruesomely impaled. Toldya! Nobody listens to Delia.
In the basement, Zoe’s body is laid on a table and Queenie attempts the Vitalum Vitalis, but fails. Madison is next but she refuses to participate and says that she is the deserving Supreme, she isn’t going to bring back her only competition. She instead kills a fly and revives it proving that she has command of the power, “She lost, fair and square,” she says. Cordelia and Myrtle are like ‘aww hell no, you would be the worst Supreme.’ Madison muses that Fiona had the right idea “leaving this sh!t show behind” and demands to be “crowned.”
Cordelia once again feels sorry for herself, “I failed. I let this coven fall into ruin… If Madison Montgomery really is all that is left to us maybe it is better this way. Maybe we deserve to die out.” Yeesh, tell us how you really feel, Delia. She continues saying that her mother was right all this time, but Myrtle thinks differently. She points out that Cordelia was born into the Supremacy and that she has royal blood, like its some huge discovery. Really? Nobody ever thought that Cordellia could be the Supreme before this? Cordelia is actually surprised at the prospect, I know she was in denial, but she had to have a little kernel of knowing or suspicion, whatever.
So the trial of the Seven Wonders is back on as Cordelia makes her way successfully performing the tasks. When its time for the Divination test, Madison is back in the game. Cordelia easily passes the test and Madison fails. Madison is pissed and wants to get out of there, she says she is going back to Hollywood where “people are normal” and threatens to out the coven’s secrets. Someone is bitter.