johncmayer Followers: 2,643,249
Location: USA
Bio: Recording/Sandwich Artist

Toronto, I am inside you!!!

I'm the George W. Bush of love: I may not have anything to show for myself now, but history will prove me a hero.

I'm currently on drink 5. You know, that drink that takes you from "cunning ladykiller" to "your funny friend."

@JordanRaggio technically I think it's spelled "shoddy." I know this because I made the same mistake emailing a hooker once. Don't ask.

The joke I failed to buff out here is that nobody's texting me. Because I'm a creep. HahahahahahhahahahahahahahaaCRY. Pen song. Smiiiile.

@cwm76 it's all based on POV. The cat has to be closer to the lens than the human. Oh, wait, are you talking slings and turbines?

I ended up fucking the AT&T representative. But still... no texts?

"Have you seen your track record?" the representative asked.

Called AT&T customer service. Told the representative I'm not getting my texts. "Have you seen your service?" I asked.

This AT&T service sucks. I'm not getting my texts. Let me walk outside. (Walks outside.) Oh. I.... See. Okay! I can deal.

Billy Mays' "Jupiter Jack" makes driving while talking on a cell phone safer. Filming a commercial while driving? You're on your own.

I love how close the ? and ! keys are on an iPhone. "John, I have big news! Tracy's pregnant!""Oh my God, I'm so excited for you?"

I've never met one problem I couldn't overcome with two or more of the lessons I've already learned.

@sarahdulat I saw a SIGN, Phyllis!!!

XO RT @bmd just picked up Battle Studies. 9 yrs later ur still singing right 2 me. I feel like we've traveled down a long road together

It's 'Quick Change' Night (again). Amazing scene... http://bit.ly/6JrrE8

...you have to be like "wait until you hear this fucking plan."

The problem is you have to store a super big vacuum box in your living room for a month. Then when people ask you what gives with the box...

Hey everyone! Oreck is offering a 30-day trial, and they'll even pay return shipping! That's like renting a vacuum free for 30 days!