Dane Cook Twitter
danecook Followers: 2,821,363Location: human shield
Bio: When I tweet, I tweet to kill.
I'm performing at the Laugh Factory in Hollywood tonight 10 o'clock show.
Posted at: Fri May 25 20:42:31
The government must be testing a psychological warfare weapon using bright colors to drive people mad. Operation Madagascar 3 billboard.
Posted at: Fri May 25 19:27:09
.@Jaclyn_Swedberg said: "Thank you! Glad the purpose of the issue has been made clear lol ;)" -You're a champ. Motorcycle soon lunch on you.
Posted at: Fri May 25 19:03:30
Congrats to my girl @Jaclyn_Swedberg on Playmate of the Year. Easily the most beautiful/deserved cover ever. Go masterbate to it today!!
Posted at: Fri May 25 18:40:29
Ms. Unwiped Ass Vagina Skunk Mouth Filled With Old Pennies. #WorstStripperNames
Posted at: Fri May 25 18:31:15
“@ChrisEvans: pretty sure those action figures are collector’s items” - As are my Good Luck Chuck figures. They come w/ a letter of apology.
Posted at: Fri May 25 18:25:49
I’ve got nothing to hide, unless you’re searching, then I’m sure I could use a minute to organize some stuff.
Posted at: Fri May 25 18:20:46
If you want people to look at you in a different light start by painting a mural of a dragon humping a unicorn in a hot tub on your face.
Posted at: Fri May 25 18:09:58
My buddy @ChrisEvans who you may know from the hit movie ‘The Loss of a Teardrop Diamond’ is now on Twitter. Welcome aboard man!
Posted at: Fri May 25 18:07:22
I feel my parents energy around me. They’re telling me to stop waiting for some ones/things that are not mine. Moving on. #change #forward
Posted at: Fri May 25 08:57:13
When a girl says "umm" starting a sentence I always think she's using an acronym for a story about the University of Maine at Machias.
Posted at: Fri May 25 00:20:14
“@coolguyericc: Just saw fuckin @danecook live!! That was the funniest shit I've ever seen” - thx man that crowd was killer.
Posted at: Thu May 24 07:50:58
Every network television producer in every pitch meeting now: "We need a chair that turns around."
Posted at: Thu May 24 05:41:20
I'm recording an audio book of what I yell in frustration when writing my actual book. This will be available exclusively at hot dog stands.
Posted at: Thu May 24 02:44:54
Good news just now. I may be wearing a disguise real soon. No -- it's not the Return of the Waffler ;) but it's bad ass. #gymbound
Posted at: Thu May 24 01:52:34
I'm at Cannes but lost my identification & credentials. Can somebody meet me by the crêpe place near the umbrella next to the scooter?
Posted at: Thu May 24 01:32:33
.@MisterWarr said: "You sound unstable. I'm a fan & critic." - In that case a big thank u & I'll rip your spine out and use it as a cane.
Posted at: Thu May 24 00:39:56
Summer's almost here which means it's time to break up with the person you're with & get that summer bod ready for some strange.
Posted at: Thu May 24 00:14:53
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