Michael Ian Black Twitter
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michaelianblack Followers: 1,498,124Location: Land of Go For It!
Bio: The Official Michael Ian Black Twitter Page
Will probably pre-lick Santa's cookies tomorrow night just to be a dick.
Posted at: Thu Dec 24 04:36:33
Hey asshole, get your own damned figgy pudding.
Posted at: Wed Dec 23 22:39:47
This Christmas, I need to spend more time thinking about the needy; it's the best way to feel superior.
Posted at: Wed Dec 23 21:09:23
Breaking news: CNN is reporting that six pack abs are hard to maintain.
Posted at: Wed Dec 23 20:14:02
My wife's family is coming in for Christmas. After eleven years of marriage they still have no idea I'm African-American.
Posted at: Wed Dec 23 14:37:41
With awful dessert comes great responsibility. Regift a #fruitcake to help raise money for Sunrise Community. http://bit.ly/7fQcfy
Posted at: Wed Dec 23 05:02:00
Turns out tattoo parlors are terrible places to go Christmas shopping unless you're shopping for hepatitis, which I was.
Posted at: Tue Dec 22 22:53:43
After the elves went on strike, Santa replaced them with laborers from S. America who never complained about the quality of the hot cocoa.
Posted at: Tue Dec 22 15:13:58
I feel like that whole family was pretty blase about grandma getting run over by a reindeer. Grandma must've been a real bitch.
Posted at: Tue Dec 22 01:56:22
My daughter: "Why doesn't the alarm go off when Santa goes down the chimney?" Me: "Magic." My daughter: "Bullshit."
Posted at: Mon Dec 21 20:05:55
Just addressed over six holiday cards. Perfect husband duties fulfilled.
Posted at: Mon Dec 21 17:23:57
Annoyed at @redhourben for doing his #stillerstrong charity b/c it makes my work for charity seem "less than." http://bit.ly/80pl9k
Posted at: Mon Dec 21 15:33:35
The only thing Avatar is missing is a theme song sung by Bryan Adams. Get it together, Cameron!!!
Posted at: Mon Dec 21 03:09:40
Simultaneously watching football and reading about Nancy Myers' middle-aged female movie "It's Complicated." WHO AM I???
Posted at: Sun Dec 20 21:23:36
Having spent several hours doing one with my family, I can now definitively state the purpose of jigsaw puzzles is to enrage.
Posted at: Sun Dec 20 19:49:00
Anagram for Detroit: "I rotted." Coincidence?
Posted at: Sun Dec 20 16:44:46
New, cuter name I came up with for dog shit: "Snoopy poopy. "
Posted at: Sat Dec 19 21:48:19
@JoshPais You've got some fucked up shit to deal with this season, if there is a season.
Posted at: Sat Dec 19 20:51:29
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