michaelianblack Followers: 1,745,106
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Bio: Magician of the heart.

@Andy_Richter I can't tell if you're serious or not but this is a good solution. I have to say, though, it's A LOT of cargo.

Help, I have all this cargo, nowhere to put it, and I want the lower half of my legs exposed. WHAT SHOULD I DO???

Science question: fish don't actually poop in the water, right?

@KenJennings @LouisPeitzman I've thought about this: if you say it in falsetto, it really doesn't.

@Aaron0057 I thought those were called "Nippys."

@SarahThyre @LouisPeitzman This is also a very good idea. Celebrity nipples would fetch a premium.

@LouisPeitzman Bisect, but I'm open to different product lines.

Product idea: "Zipples." They're zippers for your nipples.

@indie_grunge She's obviously in love with me. Sorry, pal.

@hodgman You IDIOT! If you just add U-R-P-A-L, you could have spelled FURRY PAL!!!

Now I'm just kind of thinking about the leftover pizza.

I end every phone conversation by saying, "Bye, Linda." Sometimes I am talking to an actual Linda and it feels like hitting the jackpot.

Why is it not yet understood that "Hungry Like the Wolf" is the most important song of the last fifty years?

There's too many nouns. Most persons, places, and things could easily be referred to as "that thing."

@SarahThyre @mrdavehill @lizzwinstead @therealdratch we are the heroes today, one and all.

Nobody is selling moon buggies for me to drive around in and, frankly, I don't get it.